The Pros and Cons of Breathing
by Seraphly
Summary: Takes places after New Moon. A non-canon FF Jasper/Bella . Jasper comes back to check up on Bella, but can't leave after he sees the wake of destruction he caused.
1. Waking Up

**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**

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_Forward: This is a Jasper/Bella non-canon fic that I've been toying with. Something about the pairing makes me a little excited for it. Please don't flame just because you don't like that's it's not Edward/Bella. I'm always and forever team Edward._

_Disclaimer: I used a quote from the beloved Stephenie Meyer in here, but I would never dream of taking credit for her work. She's brilliant and amazing, and I'm just me._

_And the title is taken from Fall Out Boy, too. So you all know and stuffs. _

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**PROLOGUE:** _Waking Up_

**Bella POV**

Days passed by. Sometimes I remember them, but most of the time I let the memory fade into dust and disappear. When I would look at the clock it never seemed to move: the second hand took minutes to move five seconds, and the hour hand never budged. Then, when I wasn't paying attention, days would slip by and turn into weeks. I knew I must have looked terrible. My hair hasn't been cut in months and my fingers lost so much nail that they bled. I wasn't holding on, and the truth was I wasn't trying to. I wanted to slip away. Slipping away seemed so much easier.

I remember Charlie telling me that I couldn't keep waiting, but something told me that I would surely die if I let go. I held on to my memories like shards of glass. They cut me deeply and the pieces stuck into my skin and scratched me raw, but I kept holding on. Every day I let those happy fragments slice more thoroughly into my soul.

And there was no repair in sight.

**Jasper POV**

It was my second day watching her. The day seemed to go on forever. Her blinding pain trapped me inside myself and it was suffocating. Her mood never swayed above apathetic and that was only for a couple of seconds, but the deep-rooted despair was never far from the surface. Sometimes her pain caused me to bend over and hold on to myself, like I could fall apart.

Alice told me not to come. That we had promised Edward, but I couldn't comply this time. It was the most terrifying fight I ever had with her. I could feel the pain and _fear_ inside her, but I still couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I didn't quite understand the fear. It wasn't for my safety or hers. It was for a simple impossibility. She feared that this trip would dissolve our relationship—our marriage.

The first day I watched for her she was just returning from movie with Jessica, a girl from the same year as her. I remember her as typically vapid. Bella stumbled from the car and it hit me. Waves of old pain and regret radiated from her, but not from the moment. It was deeply seeded. She said goodbye to Jessica with an apathetic half-smile. Relief exuded from Jessica, who seemed too happy to leave her.

I was far from the house, so she could see me. Or smell me. I sat still by a tree that could see her home clearly. She spent almost the entire night in her room. Even when she slept I would feel the rolling waves of depression, anxiety and pain come off of her. It was blinding—I couldn't see anything more clearly than the pain in her life. The mere fact that I caused it only amplified it.

I came back to Forks to check up on her. That was all. I wanted to make sure that she was fine and then I'd return home to my love, if she'd have me back. Alice knew though. She _saw_. There was no way I could just leave now. I had to make her better, but I didn't know how.

I moved closer to her house. The closer I became, the more powerful her hurt hit me. I will my body to be strong and I sent out the only emotion besides pain that I could muster. I tried to give her strength. Strength to endure the pain. I continued to send all the strength I could to her until it depleted me of my own and I had to rest.

**Bella POV**

_(New Moon, Page 118-119, First Edition 2006)_

_And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it. _

_Whatever it was that happened tonight—and weather it was the zombie, the adrenaline, or the hallucination that were responsible—it had woken me up._

_For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning._

**Jasper POV**

The next morning seemed to bring some sort of relief. Instead of the usual amount of pain coming from her soul, she seemed lighter. Still immensely hurt, but she was under some sort of control.

When she headed to work, I took the couple hours to hunt. It was considerably hard to stick to my diet under this kind of stress. I didn't have Alice with me to help me keep the urges under control. Most of the time I just imagined what I was feeding to be human. It made it a little easier, even if the taste wasn't the same. It wasn't nearly as quenching or delicious. Deer were always a little too salty for my liking, but I didn't have much time, and I wanted to get back to Bella before she finished work.

I stayed within a couple miles of her work so I could be back within a minute if I needed to. After I drank from a couple bucks, I returned to the outfitters. I scanned for Bella, but I couldn't sense her. Her smell was disappearing; she had already left. After I used my immediate senses, I looked for her truck. It was gone.

I immediately took off running down the side of the road. I scanned around until I finally caught up to her truck. It was parked outside an older looking house, somewhere on Russell Ave.

It took only a few seconds and good hearing to realize what she was doing.

"How much do you want for the bike?" I could her panting. Why on earth would someone that accident-prone want a motorbike? She really has bad suicidal tendencies. Then another realization hit me. I was directly behind the truck, not the safe distance I was hoping about keeping.

"Edward…" I heard her whisper, turning around. I knew she could see me now. I was only twenty feet away; there was no way I could run. It would probably cause more damage.

I saw her faint. Well, actually I saw--felt much more. I saw her fingers twitch and spasm, then I saw her feet trying to take a step but the blood was pulsing too much to have any control over body. Finally I saw her eyes roll up into her head and the entirety of her body fall, crashing into the walk. At the same time I felt her: hope, disbelief and love. The strength of all those emotions almost knocked me over.

I stumbled up the house's walkway. The boy at the door looked frazzled, so I sent him a shot of calmness. "Sorry," I told him politely, "she hasn't been feeling very well." I picked her up in a fluid motion, holding my breath. I knew I wasn't thirsty, but she was very close to me.

"Er, that's okay." He said, "does she still want the bikes?" I didn't know how to answer. The bikes were old, considerable dangerous. I didn't see how they would work even with Rosalie working on them.

"I think I'll let her call you when she gets home." I answered finally, not wanting to speak for her. It would have been very rude of me.

I carried her back to the car and laid her down on the passenger seat. Her keys were in her pocket. I could have just jacked the car, but I didn't think she'd appreciate the cut wires when she woke, so I moved my hand over to her leg. I felt the warmth from her body. It was strange, being so close. I almost wanted to savour the moment. I let my hand stay hovered over her body for another long second before swiftly maneuvering the keys from her pocket.

I started the ignition and the car protested loudly. Slightly tapping the gas I started to drive, but I didn't know where to go. I didn't know if Charlie was home, but I wasn't going to risk the idea of bringing her home to him unconscious. I made my way back to the only other place I knew. I brought her home, stopping only once.

I laid her on the couch in my bedroom. She was still very much asleep, but her mind was awake. She mumbled a lot in her sleep. I didn't even realize the usual agony has dissipated from her body, until it was replaced with warmth and comfort. I wanted to watch her sleep. I hadn't seen her sleep since the time in the hotel, but the air was different. She was angry and full of fear then.

I went downstairs and unpacked what I quickly bought at Thriftway. I took a couple frying pans, hanging from the island in the kitchen and rinsed them off. I don't remember a time that they really had even been used. After I cleaned the dust off the pans and stove, I turned the heat up and set the pans on their elements. I cut up the vegetables and garlic throwing into the now searing hot pan. My mind recalled endless cooking shows and classes that I've taken. Even though I never tasted a single meal I've made, I thought I gotten pretty good at cooking.

I became so wrapped up in cooking, something that I hadn't done in a few months, when I took Food & Nutrition, that I didn't notice that Bella had woken. It wasn't until I felt her startled and perplexed emotions that I started to get nervous. How was I going to explain what she's doing here? What I'm doing here.

I threw the last of the dishes in the sink. I was just finishing plating her meal and started for stairs. I walked at human speed. I followed her scent back to my room. She hadn't left. She was nervous and excited. She knew she was back at the Cullen house. I was nervous too, but not for the same reasons. I couldn't place why I was anxious.

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_Review... let me know if I should develop this idea. Please?_

_Please?_

_ Pretty Please?_

_I'm begging here. _


	2. Scars

_**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**_

_**By Seraphly**_

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_**Forward**__: I want to thank EVERYONE who reviewed and replied to the prologue (the should I/shouldn't I chapter). Almost all of you seem very interesting in seeing me keep this going with this non-canon pairing. I respect all opinions in this matter (even you Wolf Immortal; I deeply respect the alternative rebuttals and took your views seriously). I don't take any offense to people who don't like what I'm doing. There are a couple of my good friends who think I'm insane, and have no intention of reading this due to Edward Cullen loyalty. I can respect that; I have just found myself too enamoured not to continue with this. I even found myself dreaming about Jasper last night. I took that as a very good sign! So here it is… Chapter One._

Some people asked about how far I am going to take this relationship. At this point I'd like to point the maturity rating I gave it. That should give you some ideas. If anyone's ever read my "Another Kind of Dawn" fic (SHAMELESS PLUG), then it should give you a slight idea as to how explicit I get. Although… I haven't gotten to the wedding night yet, hehe.

_Alright… enough of my rambling… let's get to the story! _

_Oh, right… __**Disclaimer**__ HERE: I own nothing! Not even five dollars…. And especially not anything related to Twilight! That right still belongs to the beautiful and talented Stephenie Meyer._

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**From the Prologue, Waking Up**

_I threw the last of the dishes in the sink. I was just finishing plating her meal and started for stairs. I walked at human speed. I followed her scent back to my room. She hadn't left. She was nervous and excited. She knew she was back at the Cullen house. I was nervous too, but not for the same reasons. I couldn't place why I was anxious._

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_**Chapter One: Scars**_

_Playlist for Scars:_

**_Scars, Papa Roach_**

**__****The Promise, New Found Glory**

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**Jasper POV**

I walked slowly up the stairs, but I was at the top of the landing before I realized it. My hand went to the doorknob but I remembered myself at the last second as rapped my knuckles against the wood of the door.

"Bella," I whispered just loud enough to hear me, "It's Jasper."

I could hear her voice croak a hello, but moreover I could feel her emotions spasm at me. I didn't know how to react. It wasn't the time to flex any calm or peace to her, so instead I asked to come in.

"Of course," she whispered nervously. "It's your room."

I slowly stepped inside the door and sat down in my leather recliner. I missed this recliner and how it had molded to my frame from years of use. The arm chair pocket still held the last book I read here: The Catcher in the Rye. I left it at somewhere around chapter 11, but I could've stopped sooner. After page six it seemed to reiterate the same themes, ideas and lines: everyone's a phony and Holden Caulfied should have been born sixty years later where his trite emo attitude would have been the normal. What could he possibly rebel again then?

I scanned the book while we sat in silence, attempting to count how many times Holden does a "phony" reference. I think I counted forty-four before Bella spoke.

"Is Alice here?" she asked, and I sensed that she already had the answer. I simply shook my head and we fell back into silence. I didn't know how to tell her why I was here. Why I came back and Alice didn't. Why Edward didn't.

Bella was nervous, and her fingers never left her mouth. I was slightly nervous that her teeth would cut into her skin. I wanted so much to calm her, but it made me anxious—the idea of toying with her emotions right now. She was barely keeping it together as it was. The last thing I wanted to do was to have her storm off without protection.

She brought her hands to her lap and took a breath. I could feel the distress build under a thick façade of calm. "So," she tried to sound confident, "why are _you_ here?"

"What do you mean?" I tried to sound nonchalant, but my even my own sweet voice faltered, and Bella could tell.

She looked incredulous at me. "You know exactly what I mean Jasper, and I'm sure you probably know exactly how I feel. Please, just stop the charade and tell me what is going on."

I took an unnecessary breath and composed myself. It was certainly more difficult with the air being filled with frustration and anxiety, but also blanketed with the deep seeded emotional collapse of Bella. "I needed to know if you were okay, Bella." I stated honestly as I could.

"Why?" she asked, slightly angry. I couldn't figure her out, or where this anger was coming from, but it was building. "I mean," she clarified, "why you? Why not Alice. Doesn't she care about me? Why not—" She cut herself of. I could sense the choking pain at the thought of Edward's name. At the same time I felt her pain. It was blinding and constriction. I almost hated Edward for what he did to her, was doing to me by having me feel it too.

I looked into her eyes, seeing the tear ducts well. It would have been an unusual and intriguing sight if it weren't for the severity of the moment. "Every second of pain you experience now is my fault Bella. I ruined your future by my mistake in September. And now, coming back I've realized that I ruined you."

She shook her head at me, I felt a little hostility leave her. "I never blamed you Jasper. Not once. You must know that. You must feel that." She pleaded, and I could see the truth in her eyes. It made me feel even more ashamed. In that moment I wanted to hold her in my arms and shake as much sense as I could into her.

"That does me no justice by you saying that, Bella," I told her. "In truth, it makes me feel worse, knowing that you don't begrudge me any fault in this. Especially when the fault is all mine." I started to stand, getting a whiplash of fear from Bella.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promised "not far anyway…just downstairs to get you your supper."

Bella gave me an awkward look, "Supper?" she asked me. "Did you pick something up?"

This comment gave me a moment to smile, not something easy in her presence…in this atmosphere. "Just a few things," I added coyly. "Care to join me downstairs. Hopefully it's still warm, if not I'm sure the microwave works. I don't think it's ever been used, but there's a first time for everything."

I held the door open for her and she slowly rose and exited my room. As she walked past me I briefly caught a trace of her scent and it caused my mouth to fill with a little venom. I forced those feelings back into my mind. I was surprised how easy it was. I didn't even need to hold my breath. I did however hope that she wouldn't cut herself eating.

Walking down the stairs I had forgotten how clumsy she really was. At the last step I found myself rushing past her to steady her back on her feet. "Thank you, Jasper," she said through an awkward smile. I returned by dropping my head slightly and giving her a gentlemen smile, something I picked up from late eighteen hundreds.

I ushered her to a seat in the dining room, and rushed to bring her the plate of food, and a glass of water. I forgot about drinks at the store. Ironic, I thought chuckling to myself, considering my diet.

When I set the plate in front of her she looked directly at me, and then to the kitchen noticing the small pile of unwashed dishes. "You…cooked?" She asked in disbelief, but there was even more. I sensed amusement. It was a definite relief for my nervous system—for lack of a better analogy.

"Yes." I answered simply and confidently, sitting down across from her. "I aced cooking in school, if you must know. It's all science anyway. This particular dish—fettuccine Alfredo is something I perfected—or so I've been told."

A smile crossed her face and she picked up her fork, twirling pasta around the prongs. "We'll see," she commented, cheeky. Her entire mood seemed lighter, even without me interceding. I was afraid to break the moment. I was afraid to feel her heartbreak and fear all over again, even if it was my doing that she felt in the first place. I was the reason for the pain, and I wanted so terribly to fix it. I wanted to be the reason that she smiled again. The thought seemed reasonable, but also treacherous.

Bella pretended to eat with a critical mouth for a few moments. Pausing in all the right places, but I knew she was enjoying it. After the first bite I caught the surprise and then the enjoyment of the meal. It gave me a slight rush that did that. It was the first token of joy she exuded since I came back and it was my doing.

"Is it edible?" I asked, jokingly.

"Passable," she retorted with a smirk. "It fills the void."

Then I felt the room fall silent on 'void'. I didn't know how to reply. A thousand thoughts streamed through my head.

A couple minutes passed by and soon Bella's plate was almost clean. There were so many things I wanted to tell her. But I knew she wouldn't hear them. I also knew that I had to be careful not to mention Edward. At the moment there was nothing to really tell anyway. Last we heard he was somewhere in the south trying to track Victoria. He was hell bent on destroying her. I understood. It was only thing keeping him going. The whole idea was mind-boggling.

"I came back a couple days ago," I told her, not realizing the words that came out of my mouth. Bella looked at me suspiciously. She waited patiently for me to explain myself. "Last week, I hit the wall with Alice. At first when I left it was Alice that was upset. She loves you very much and it pained her to leave without saying goodbye. She wanted to call you, or write you but we promised Ed-" I felt her soul winch before the word was out of my mouth. "--Him a clean break. I fought with her to keep her promise to him. To allow you to heal. Slowly she stopped showcasing the need to contact you. She threw herself into finding out about herself, her human life, but that's when I started to feel it. Something Rosalie said to me one day. She was upset that our family was so broken apart and I don't hate her for it.

"Rosalie more or less stated it was my fault that our family was torn apart, that Ed-he was so detached from us, and that she—you—were probably one step from committing suicide. I began to sink into my own depression, much like the past. I wanted to be on my own a lot more. I started becoming a little eccentric, maybe even obsessed. I needed to know that it wasn't true, Bella. That you were okay. I called your school once, pretending to a doctor of yours. The secretary went into a whole spell about how worried she was about you. That you looked lifeless, already dead. That you hadn't talked to any of your friends in months and how your father was at his wits-end. How a secretary knows that much I don't know, but that's when I decided that I needed to come here. I had to fix this."

Bella continued to absorb everything I told her without interjecting. She was more confused by my rambling explanation than hurt by my use of Edward's name. I could sense parts of her cling to the mention of my family members like broken memories. I could feel the desperation for my family diffuse from her.

"I watched you for a couple of days," I continued "You were exactly Ms. Cope's description. I at first made sure to keep my distance. I didn't want you to know I was here. I didn't want to cause you more grief." And in turn cause me more, I added silently, "but then you left work early today—and with that, here we are."

Bella smiled meekly, "I'm sorry." And I could feel the sorry, the silent apology coming off of her. She felt guilty and it only added on to my own personal guilt.

"Please stop being sorry, Bella," I pleaded. "You don't under how that makes me feel."

"I'm sor—er, okay?" She offered. "How long you staying?"

I thought about this question. I didn't really have an answer. When Alice asked me the question, knowing something I didn't, I told her a couple weeks. Enough time to observe and figure our a plan to fix my mistakes. Make myself start to feel good about the situation, so I could return to Alice and be happy with her again. "Until you are happy again," I stated.

"And then you are going to leave and return to Alice."

"Yes. Hopefully."

"Then why did you even come back?" She stated, pushing the plate away. Anger crossed her face, as well as her aura. "Why? I can't help you fix yourself Jasper. I'm a mess. Every time I wake up I am disappointed that I'm alive. How are you going to make me happy Jasper?"

I was awestruck. I hadn't anticipated that kind of response, but now that she was talking—shouting almost, I knew that all I could do was listen to her.

"He left me with nothing. Nothing. 'Like I never existed' he said. And when I woke up it became true. I don't own a picture, or even a piece of paper with his handwriting. Sometimes I wonder is he is just a perfect illusion. Then I look at my wrist and see the perfect crescent scar to remind me of him. It's always colder, like his skin. I have a mind filled with memories and a scar to prove they were real. Can you understand what that feels like Jasper? Can you really…can you empathize now?"

Bella's voice was coarse and jagged. I didn't even need her to feel her emotions to understand her. I took the bottom of my left sleeve and started to roll it up. "I know depression Bella. I know scars." I told her as her eyes glazed over my arm and the hundreds of small crescents decorating it like the war wounds they were.

"Maybe it's time you learn a little more about me," I stated. "That is, if you want."

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**_So... please review. I have cookies... and for those "vegetarians" ...some mountain lions. _**


	3. Little by Little

_**Disclaimer**: Twilight is the creation of Stephenie Meyer. All rights reserved with her and Little, Brown and Company. _

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_Bella's voice was coarse and jagged. I didn't even need her to feel her emotions to understand her. I took the bottom of my left sleeve and started to roll it up. "I know depression Bella. I know scars." I told her as her eyes glazed over my arm and the hundreds of small crescents decorating it like the war wounds they were. _

_"Maybe it's time you learn a little more about me," I stated. "That is, if you want."_

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**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**

_Chapter Two: Little by Little_

_Playlist: _

_Little by Little, Marion Raven_

_Cat and Mouse, RJA _

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I stood up and pulled the chair around the corner of the table so we sat diagonally across from each other. She was only inches from my body and her I could smell her blood pulsing from her veins. It smelled sweet like most humans, but it didn't bother me like it usually did. I was too focused interested in her reactions. She was clearly apprehensive. I saw her eyes scan my arms with intense curiosity. It was a long moment before she spoke again.

"What happened to you?" she asked, bewildered and intrigued. Her owns fingers traced the white scar on her wrist, but her eyes stayed glued onto my own.

I opened my mouth and began to tell my story. I became so caught up in her reactions that I didn't brush over any details that may have seemed overly graphic or insensitive. She didn't seem to be taken aback, even when I described how I was before: bloodthirsty and sadistic. Her emotions never betrayed her face either. She was genuinely interested in my life. The Cullen's were the last people I ever talked to about my history, and that was years ago.

The more I let my history out to Bella, the less vivid it appeared in my mind. I found myself enjoying our conversation—well-- me talking to her and her listening to me. I could see the concentration in her mind, trying to picture the stories I told her.

"Did you love her?" she asked, out of nowhere. It kind of shocked me.

"Yes. More than loved, I practically worshipped her. She was the only thing in my life besides the constant thirst for blood and for power. All the years I spent with her I didn't know any other life. I didn't know what other kind of love existed. Love that wasn't coupled with fear and thirst. It was a love that always came second to blood." I finished, realizing that I said much more than I intended to. I felt suspicious and mistrust flicker across her face.

She looked at me with a furrowed brow. "Are you saying that I'll get over him. That I just don't know any other kind of love?" Her voice was acid.

I grabbed her hand as a knee jerk reaction. The warmth of it shocked me. I wanted to use the moment to feel her hand and how the heart beat quietly underneath it. I hadn't felt something live without drinking from it, really ever. It was so unusual. I had to keep my thoughts to the conversation. I could feel her resisting me. My icy hands were probably a bitter reminder and I empathized with her, even without feeling her pain myself.

"No, and yes" I replied honestly, gripping her hands into mine. "I would never tell you that you'll get over Edward. Far from it Bella, but your love for him is the only romantic love you ever felt. It was insanely intense. Sometimes it made me jealous, because it was so much more vibrant than my relationship. I don't see how you could get over it. I know you love him much it's blinding. You have to realize I know that Bella, because all the pain you feel, I feel."

I waited in silence, but then she slowly nodded her head. "It must be hard for you right now," she said simply.

"It's almost unbearable," I answered too quickly. "It's like your soul is severed into pieces. When you think about… him… those pieces crash and cut into each other. When I am around you, I feel whatever you are feeling, not like a dull image or a movie. Every emotional splinter that jabs into you, it pierces me the same way. Right now my soul is just as broken as yours, maybe even more so because I am the source of your pain."

Bella didn't let go of my hand, I could feel her grip it more tightly in her frail human way. She gave me a smile, and it only slightly assuaged my own paid. "Please stop blaming yourself because I'm so hopeless, Jasper. He had the choice to stay. He broke his promise."

"I know, but my guilt will never leave me. Not until you are healed." I was giving her my promise to save her from herself. I thought it would make her happy, but the waves of depression rolled off of her. "What is it?"

"I don't know if I can be healed. I don't know if I want to."

I didn't understand. The heat from her fingers was filtering through to my own hands and my mind was concentrating on the blood in her veins. I could feel it pump along the capillaries underneath her skin, faster and harder. Her cheeks started to redden; I realized that she was nervous and slightly embarrassed. "If I heal, you'll leave me."

The words hit me and I recoiled. My fingers slipped from her grasp, and I jolted up. My mind started reeling. I had made so many mistakes by coming here and letting her see me. Taking her here. Letting her remember everything.

"Bella…" I tried to say something, but nothing came out.

She stood up too, pushing the chair back into its place. She turned to pace to the front door, but I flung my hand out to catch her by the wrist. I could see the tears well in her eyes and her heart broke simultaneously as mine.

"I know you can't stay Jasper. I'm not a fool. You have a family—Alice—waiting for you wherever they are. You have the family I desperately want."

At that moment I couldn't help but pull her into a hug. I told myself that it was a hug from Alice and all the love she felt for her. I tried to breathe evenly, and I could almost smell the flowery scent Edward and Alice described. Her hair was soft, even though it hadn't been taken care over the months. As I held her in my grasp I realized just how fragile she really was. Her bones were like twigs that I could snap without pause, but my own body gauged to hold her delicately but firm. I didn't want to let go.

Bella's mind went into rapid spin and she breathed me in. I think that was partly why I didn't want to break the grasp with her. I felt a release flood from her body as she drank it my scent. It was almost intoxicating. I felt like I was breathing for the first time.

My hands pressed into her back and I felt her heart beat rapidly. It resonated deep within my own empty chest. As I held her against me I knew parts of me craved her. She smelled so delicious in her own way, but I couldn't even force myself to think about it. So contrary to my usual thoughts, I had other thoughts that betrayed me.

I wanted to explore Bella's human body. It was so different than Alice's was. Alice was beautiful and prefect. She was tiny, her features were perfect, but she was also hard and cold. I was terribly intrigued by the softness of her skin and the warmth it gave off. I enjoyed how the colour ran to her cheeks, and her emotions were so free. All of my family had developed the ability to flex control over their feelings; it was unusual to have someone so freely give all their feelings to me.

The desire to feel Bella did not die away. I tried to push it back into my mind, along with the desire to drink her, but it did not fade. My mind continued to want her. It was such a foreign concept to me. My relationship with Alice was never as physical as Emmett and Rosalie's, nor intensely passionate like Edward and Bella's. Our relationship was highly emotional. We were best friends. She gave me hope.

"I have to go home," she whispered after a minute. Against the will of my body I let her go. "Charlie will undoubtedly be home soon. If I'm not home, he'll think the worst." She said. I didn't have to ask what the worst was. I knew that the school had put her under suicide watch.

"I'll be here tomorrow if you want company," I told her. She said nothing, but I could feel an ancient sadness in her heart. "What is it?" I asked her, giving her a smile I reserved for getting my way. She almost frowned, but instead smiled back.

"Are you trying to dazzle me, Jasper?" she smirked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you trying to tell me you are now immune to vampire tactics?"

She laughed. "Not at all," Bella qualified, "Only slightly more perceptive to them."

I walked her out to her car in silence. When I attempted to help her into the truck she looked back at me. "Will you come over Jasper?"

I wasn't expecting the question. It caused me to almost lose my grip on the car. The worst was I didn't know how to answer. My body was fighting an internal battle. "I don't think you're dad will appreciate my presence." I said hopelessly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "He won't know. Come through the window. He doesn't come in my room anymore. He's afraid I'm combust or something. Or…" she trailed off.

I stared into her eyes, trying to decipher. "Or you can wait for him to fall asleep and pick me up. We can do something."

"I don't know about—"

"See you at ten." She said abruptly, cutting me off. I clearly lost a debate before it even started. Part of me questioned whether I wanted to win.

It was five minutes to ten o'clock. I spent the last three hours mindlessly hunting. I wasn't thirsty, not even close, but the proximity to Bella was taking a toll out of me. I hadn't been close to human in my entire existence as a vampire. If I had been close it was only for the time it took me to slice through their neck and drink from fresh vessels. I never imagined that I would have this kind of patience. It was relatively easy too, comparatively speaking. The difficult part were these other foreign feelings building upside of me.

It was like I was feeling everything Edward once felt, but it was stronger. It was my own emotions mixing in with it. Bella was certainly different… how she captivated the minds of the Cullens! How she drew me in. It was maddening. Her scent, her emotions, her willingness—all these amazing traits inside a weak human body—Bella had me compelled.

I forced myself to remember my occupation for this trip. I was to help Bella heal, not to explore my own perverse ideas. I made sure not to dwell on any idea for more than a couple moments. I didn't like the idea of using holes in Alice's visions, but I couldn't take the risk. I didn't know if I should tell Bella the same. I worried about what she would think of my advice.

At nine fifty-seven I started to run to her house. My thoughts were lost. I couldn't think on one thing, even if I wanted to. I was not my usual composed self. My military self. Somehow over the course of the day I started to lose my mind, and I stopped being able to control where my thoughts lead me. I only exercised enough restraints to change the course of my fantasies every couple of minutes. I prayed it was enough to stop Alice from checking on me. I knew she was attuned to me, but I had enough practice to block her over the years. 

I reached her house at ten exactly. All the lights were off except for the bedroom and I could see her clearly, and then I felt her. She was anxious and excited. I could almost hear her heartbeat. It only took a second for her to see me, waiting outside the window. She smiled, and I felt some of the anxiety wash away. It was an amazing feeling, knowing that I eased some tension, although I was also probably the cause of it too.

Then the light in the bedroom went off and Bella disappeared. She didn't vanish; I could still smell her and sense her, but it made me a little nervous when I couldn't see her face. The idea worried me. A moment later Bella walked out the front door with her, putting on a jacket.

As she stumbled up to me I could see a small smile across her face. "Charlie went out to La Push for the night. The first time in a while actually… he was taken aback when I said good evening to him. Before he said it to me." she said with a smile. "I guess I never realized how broken I am." When Bella finished the last sentence, the usual amount of grief was not with it. She was sad and slightly depressed, but there was air of excitement that blanketed the rest. Made it easier to bear.

"Uh, Jasper," she said trying to catch my attention. "You didn't bring your car."

"Oh." I had all but forgotten about transporting _her _in all this. "I forgot."

"We can't use the truck. We might not be back before Charlie gets home. And I don't think you really want to run with me."

"I forgot," I stated truthfully, "but I could probably carry you. If you want." The though of running with Bella on me did make me slightly nervous, but not for her life.

Bella looked at me with questionable eyes, but her emotions gave her away. She let out a spasm of excitement, but quickly recovered. She was trying to keep her emotions under control. I almost didn't like it. I enjoyed that she usually was so forward with all her thoughts. It was freeing.

"Come on Bella!" I jeered, motioning to my back. Nervously Bella motioned her feet forward until she was close enough for me to swoop onto my back. "Don't worry. I'm not thirsty or anything."

"I know." Bella repositioned herself, tucking her head into my neck. Her hair fell slightly in front of my face. The smell was almost maddening. I forced myself to focus on running.

It was certainly different running with someone on my back, but it was still an easy and comfortable stride. Occasionally Bella would move her neck slightly, or reposition her hands and her scent would reach my nose. It didn't make me thirsty, but it did spark my senses. I was almost sad when I reached the house after a couple minutes.

I gingerly sat Bella down on the ground. I could sense she was extremely dizzy, so for the first time since yesterday I gave her calm.

"Thank you Jasper. I assume that was you anyway," she said, standing up. She brushed off the dirt from her pants and started to make her way to the door. I used my vampire speed to beat her there and opened the door for her.

Bella laughed, "that must be the southern gentlemen in you."

"Yes ma'am," I laughed as she walked passed me, leaving a desirable trail behind her. "What does the miss wish to do tonight?"

Bella's mood was considerably light. She gave a small laugh, but then straightened out. "I don't know. I really haven't done anything in months. Yesterday was the first movie I've been to in ages. That didn't turn out really well."

"Alright. I'm not much of a movie person anyway. If you want, we can just talk for a bit. I picked up what you like to call 'junk food' at the Thiftway earlier. In case my meal wasn't satisfactory. You can dish out on that, and we can talk." Hopefully she remains cautious of how easily I was influenced by her emotions.

"Sure. But let's keep it light," Bella replied, answering my thoughts. She made her way to the couch in the living room and jumped on it, pulling a blanket from the arm and shaking it off slightly before laying it over her. The house was still surprisingly very clean. Most of the house only started to build traces of dirt from time.

I sat on the other edge of the couch, briefly wondering why I chose there and not the other sofa. Bella and I remained in a comfortable silence for a couple minutes before she spoke. "So, I kind of want to learn a bit more about you Jasper," she implored.

I laughed, "everything interesting you already know."

"Well, actually I meant I want to know about your power. I know you can sense what I'm feeling. I know you can manipulate my feelings, but I want to know more about it."

"Well, you know pretty much everything—just not the extent I guess. When I say I know what you are feeling, that's true. Sometimes though, when a moment gets intense it becomes more than that. I feel exactly what the person feels. Their love, excitement or heartbreak becomes mine. Sometimes it's so powerful that I can't even move.

"For example, when I first came to visit you, your pain paralyzed me. It was suffocating, and I couldn't imagine how you were able to survive it. I was barely standing being a hundred feet near you. The closer I got, the more crippling.

"Then you say I can control the emotions of others, for the most part I can. I can send out feelings of joy or fear when I need to. Your body knows it's an outside source that's causing the feelings, and you can resist if your strong enough, but most people don't have enough practice to be able to effectively fight off my abilities..."

I paused after the last bit, Bella must have noticed I was withholding because she cocked her head at me and raised her brows.

I took a slight, but unnecessary breath and continued. "I can also share my emotions too. It's like manipulating other's feelings, except that I give them exactly what I'm feeling. Emmett jokes that I give the worst evil eye, because I can send out my fury with it. Almost worst than Rosalie."

Bella smiled at me, her eyes deceiving. "So, what are you feeling. You already know all my emotions to bear. I'd like to see what it feels like, if that's okay."

"I'm not sure how well it'll work with a human. It's like emotional control, but it's more subtle." I rambled, nervously. As much as relied on gauging people by emotions, not many got to feel what I was feeling. It was a very personal thing, but I wanted to share it. "Grab my hand," I ordered.

Immediately two warm sets of fingers folded themselves around my hands. Her palms felt like fire under my cold extremities. I let my mind go to drift out all the emotions in my body. I sensed her body react to each emotion of mine she discovered. Her body slightly recoiled at all the guilt wound up in me, but she didn't let go of my hands. In fact they tightened.

I felt the confusion when she got to the fear inside me. My hidden fear of losing Alice. We continued to share our emotions intensely for a few minutes. After my fear she discovered how I took delight in any happiness she felt. She felt my disappointment in Edward for leaving her, but it didn't shake her. Then she got to feelings that I tried not to share, but the connection was already too deep and I couldn't break away.

Her eyes widened as she came to the realization of all my hidden thoughts, but I was too nervous to realize that she was sending me the same betraying emotions. She wanted me to hold her and caress her. She yearned for physical contact: to be held, to be loved, to be kissed and touched and desired.

I had to stop the connection. The thoughts almost continued long enough to be thorough enough for Alice. That would surely break her heart.

"Bella. Please, think of something else dear. Anything. Lines from your favourite books, hockey stats… stop thinking about these things before they turn into actions." I begged her. She nodded her head, uncomprehending. I could tell her mind was struggling to turn her thoughts from everything we just uncovered.

"So, uh… I saw you were reading Catcher in the Rye before you left…." She stammered.

"Tried to anyway. Probably the worst 'classic' ever written." I replied. Bella laughed—a good sign.

"I completely agree. How many times does he have to call something or someone fake or phony?"

"Forty-four, from what I gathered." We let our selves fall into the world of Salinger deprecation, but we both knew that something had happened. Something neither of us we could talk about, but something that we both wanted to explore. Bella for survival, but me, I wanted it for selfishness.

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**_So... _**

**_If you review I'll reply with cookies and milk, or irritable grizzlies. _**


	4. As You Sleep

**Forward March (oh so witty): So sorry it took so long. Too much work and working out. I really want to get to the...the part my boyfriend likes, but these things can't be rushed!**

**To lemon or not to lemon?**

**  
Disclaimer: Teh usual.**

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_Her eyes widened as she came to the realization of all my hidden thoughts, but I was too nervous to realize that she was sending me the same betraying emotions. She wanted me to hold her and caress her. She yearned for physical contact: to be held, to be loved, to be kissed and touched and desired. _

_I had to stop the connection. The thoughts almost continued long enough to be thorough enough for Alice. That would surely break her heart._

_"Bella. Please, think of something else dear. Anything. Lines from your favourite books, hockey stats… stop thinking about these things before they turn into actions." I begged her. She nodded her head, uncomprehending. I could tell her mind was struggling to turn her thoughts from everything we just uncovered._

_"So, uh… I saw you were reading Catcher in the Rye before you left…." She stammered._

_"Tried to anyway. Probably the worst 'classic' ever written." I replied. Bella laughed—a good sign. _

_"I completely agree. How many times does he have to call something or someone fake or phony?"_

_"Forty-four, from what I gathered." We let our selves fall into the world of Salinger deprecation, but we both knew that something had happened. Something neither of us we could talk about, but something that we both wanted to explore. Bella for survival, but me, I wanted it for selfishness._

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The Pros and Cons of Breathing

Chapter III - As You Sleep

Playlist:

As You Sleep, Something Corporate

My Paper Heart, The All-American Rejects

Time is Running Out, Muse

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The minutes ticked by and we continued to chat about absolutely nothing. My mind was mesmerized by her heartbeat, listening to it slow down from its earlier race. I had to do something to break the hold she had on me, but it was gripping. As much as I wanted to keep my mind distracted and out of Alice's visions, I still couldn't keep my mind off Bella. I briefly took glances at her face and enjoyed seeing the red tones in her skin and the concentration in her face. I wasn't even wrapped up in her emotions, but being taken over by her entire aura. There was only one other time when I ever felt this way.I sat in awe, without speaking—trying to come to terms with this revelation.

Eventually Bella broke the silence. "Can you tell me why I'm rehearsing the quadratic equation medley inside my head. The entire idea made me chuckle. Bella was never over fantastic with numbers. I asked her, as sincerely as I could, why on earth would she distract herself by the thing she hated most in the world. Instead of being offended she merely laughed.

"There's nothing like expanding like terms to kill a mood," she said lightly, but there was an edge to her voice. It was dangerous; she was disappointed. I could feel the disappointed coming off every cell and it frightened me terribly. I took her hands back into mine and stared into her eyes.

I knew it would be painful for her to hear what I needed to tell her, but I didn't think it would hurt me like it did. "Bella," I whispered, forcing the words out. "I'm not Edward. I can't be Edward, and he's not coming back. When I did see Edward these past couple months, he was a shell. He's not the same. I made a mess of things by comin—"

"No!" Bella yelled, snapping her hands away from mine. "You are going to leave me to!" She was sobbing, crouching. The pain ripped through me and almost knocked me over. I tried to be soft, but the throbbing fear and panic rushing off Bella was crippling.

I reached for her hands again. This time she did not pull away. "Can't you see why I'm asking you not to think of me Bella? Can you not feel what happened when we shared emotions…" I didn't know what to say to her, how to explain…

"I don't understand," she said, her expression changed to confusion. She tilted her head and looked at me, "Jasper, why are you so worried? You're worried about me…" she started to say, but then shook her head. "No… You're worried about Alice. Jasper, I don't understand."

My mouth dropped. I could feel every second of it, falling open. I wasn't even attempting to give her any of my emotions. She just grasped them. It was mine turn to recoil. She was still very much tuned into my emotions.

"Jasper," I heard her whisper to me through the clouds in my mind. "Jasper!" Her voice became louder and more distressed, but I couldn't feel it over my own confusion. "You're panicking Jasper."

"You can still feel me?" I asked quietly, almost to low for her human ears. She merely nodded at me. She could tell by my emotions that it wasn't normal because she immediately sat up as straight as she could. "What am I feeling now?"

Bella stayed silent for a moment, most likely soaking in all my emotions. Then she spoke, looking directly ahead, but not quite at me. "You are afraid of this connection, but also curious. You are afraid Alice might see this and tell Edward. You don't want him to return. You hate him for what he did to me. You…" she took a breath, "you—that's all," she finished. I could sense the apprehension in her eyes. She could feel everything. I saw her politely hide the last statement, and let it go unsaid. "Who else have you ever shared your emotions with Jasper?"

I smiled at her. "Only Alice," I said honestly.

"Does she have this connection with you too?" she tried to say as casually as possible. I just shook my head, afraid to let my voice falter. Alice really would be heart broken if she saw this. I wondered briefly if she already did.

"She'd call you if she saw something like that." Bella replied, as if reading my mind. Then it struck me that she was reading me, like I read the emotions of everyone else. The idea that someone could feels things like I did excited me, even if she could only feel me.

Bella's eyes flickered to mine, probably sensing the spike in my emotions but this time she said nothing. I knew she was just trying to be polite. "What are we doing tonight?" she opted to ask instead. I laughed at her. It was almost midnight, but her brown eyes were vibrant as ever.

"Well. There are an assortment of movies I can watch, but you ought to get some sleep. I want to get you back before dawn…even if Charlie is over in La Push. He might come home early." Bella's eyes lit up even brighter at me, and for a moment it was breathtaking.

She rolled her eyes slightly and leaned back into the couch. "Actually, Jasper…" she said coyly, too coyly, "I already took care of that. I left a note saying that I'd gone out for a run and that I was possibly going to meet up with Angela later. I told him that I'd call him at noon if I wasn't home yet." Bella looked completely satisfied with herself, and her emotions coincided: she was elated. "And plus, I've done nothing but sleep for months—I think I have enough energy for an all-nighter. Consider me temporarily immortal."

I couldn't help but laugh at her. I walked over to the cupboard and pulled out some blankets and pillows, gently batting them. They still smelt fresh. "For comfort only," I added with a smile. Bella returned the smile without consequence, then stood up, moving towards the movie tower.

Her eyes glazed over the hundreds of titles and then slowly back to me. "Does the Cullen family have something against moving companies?" she tried to ask casually, but I could sense the seriousness in her undertones and it made sense. There were very few things taken from the house when we left and with no real explanation in hand. We didn't have a place to move to and no time to really plan. It was all set up and decided rather quickly.

"Well," I stumbled. "We have different places already set up. It's probably more of an expense to us to move everything. Especially if we were to move back-" I realized what I said before it came out. Unusually enough. Somehow Bella was interfering with my ability to rationalize everything instantly. I saw her eyes light up immediately, but then they dimmed even before I finished speaking. The entire situation was getting awkward. "I'm sorry Bella," I offered, but she shook her head.

She kept her eyes off me as she spoke, running her slender fingers along the DVD titles and picking out the occasional case, tossing it on the coffee table. "Don't be. I know you were just thinking out loud. Past experiences and all that." She chanced a glance at me and it took a second to realize that she just _knew_. Like I know. She was deciphering my feelings that coincided with my actions. She felt my guilt and retreat simultaneously as I spoke those words. She looked up on me when she grasped that I was stunned; it was almost too much to bear.

"This is sufficiently awkward," she said, sitting down on the couch and grabbing the blanket from my arms.

"That's what I was thinking," I replied simply. There were no other words that really needed to be said at the moment. We both knew what we were feeling, and it was such a cliché, but the connection was far superior to spoken word.

Bella passed a selection of movies to me and I was surprised at diversity of them. She had chosen movies from almost every decade since the inception of film, a couple my favourites.

"Maybe it'll weaken and fade when we spend some time apart, like when I go back to school on Monday," Bella offered. The idea sent chills of something like fear down my spine. Some part of me didn't want this connection to break, I just didn't know how big of a part. "Did I say something wrong?" Bella asked quietly, obviously sensing the same feelings I just had. She was extremely nervous.

I raced to calm my nerves. "No," I retorted quickly. "I'm just nervous about Monday. Not being to help you through the day at school."

"Hmm," she merely replied, seeing through my lie, but being kind enough to allow me it. She shook of her doubt and got back to the other, less important topic. "Since I picked out the movies, you choose the first one."

I scanned the movies once more. "Well, it's quite a selection you have here darling. I'm torn between 'A Clockwork Orange' and 'Modern Times' myself. For now and for both of our sakes I'm going to have to go with…Modern Times. I think there's enough drama in this room—no need to add the violent horror of humanity as well."

Bella coughed a laugh at that. "The horror of humanity? I guess we can't all be undead southern gentlemen." She smiled at me, biting her bottom lip slightly and raising an eyebrow. I could help but stare at her brown eyes.

It was surprisingly easy to be with Bella. I thought my senses would overtake me at times, but her smell seemed to diminish. We watched almost three whole movies before Bella's sleepiness won during some teenage flick. She fell asleep curled up in the corner of the couch, afraid to touch me. I appreciated the gesture because I knew she was just trying to protect me from myself. Although Bella knew I didn't fear my vampire instincts with her, she felt other instincts creeping on. Feelings that could destroy the very life I created, but something that was becoming very hard to control.

When Bella was completely fast asleep I gently stretched out her body so that she was no longer putting strain on her body. I recovered the blanket and tucked it around her body, as gentlemanly as possible. It was hard not to notice how amazing her body was. It wasn't perfectly contoured like the vampire women I've been with, but there was something almost magical. I was fascinated by the warmth and tenderness of her skin and how the heat radiated from it.

Why she slept I tried to find something more productive to do, but I found myself coming back to her and watching her. I couldn't let myself five minutes without checking up on her. I stood behind the couch, watching her breathe and mumble in her sleep. I couldn't understand what she was saying but it was enjoyable, because in her dreams she was positively elated.

It was almost five in the morning when I realized that I was watching her for almost an hour continuously. I was running my fingers through her brown locks while she slept, hoping she wouldn't wake and freak out at me. It was something highly dangerous. I hoped that if Alice saw this she'd confuse the action with concern rather than curiosity—than enjoyment. I realized even in my thoughts, she would've called already if she saw it, because this was a present action, and she could only see the future.

"Jasper," Bella said as clear as day. I instantly retracted my fingers, and jumped back. I watched closely for Bella's eyes, her movements, but there were none. Slowly, I crept back to realize she was still completely asleep. She rolled over to face the inward of the couch and sighed, "this isn't right, is it?" her sub-conscience asked. I let out an inaudible chuckle to myself and whispered back.

"Not even close." I was back at her side again, playing with her hair. She seemed to relax slightly.

"I'm afraid she'll see." Bella mumbled again. "Don't want to hurt her." At that I could see Bella, awake or asleep was struggling with the same moral dilemma as I was, except she was grasping at personal survival. She wanted me, because I was making her feel alive again. I could the changes inside of her, and in return it gave me instant gratification. Her happiness was addictive to me.

I couldn't help but smile at her. "Well, just keep it spontaneous," I replied, knowing the deceitful undertones with it. I of course, would never dream of hurting Alice that way, but the idea was intriguing.

"How?" she asked, opening her eyes to me. My mouth merely dropped this time in shock. I didn't even recognize that Bella was really awake. She had felt me play with her hair for who knows how long. It was actually embarrassing.

Bella laughed at me. "Don't feel so abashed, Jasper. I knew and didn't stop you," Bella whispered lightly under her sleepy tones. I kept forgetting she felt me, it was like we couldn't have any secrets with each other. "Tell me, how can we continue this friendship without Alice knowing." I smiled a bit.

"Friendship? I was under the impr—" I could sense I said something terribly wrong. Her entire body froze and extreme sadness welled up inside of her. "Bella! What did I say?"

She didn't move for a second then coughed out, "well, we don't need to sort through all the gory details." Her voice was slightly dead, it made me extremely nervous. Bella sensed that and calmed down, enough for me to take her hand. I could sense whatever I said, reminded me of him.

"Actually Bella," I clarified. "I would like to call it exactly what it is."

"And what is that Jasper?"

"A complete and utter infatuation with each other." At this I was staring completely into her sparkling brown eyes. My face was less than a few inches from hers, and her scent was tickling the insides of my nose. She had all my instincts on high. I could sense that her toes were curling under and her chin was raising slightly so she could see straight into my eyes. The pounding of her heart pulsed inside the hollows of my own chest. It was the most brilliant sensation in the world. In this moment I felt as alive as I ever felt in the past hundred and fifty years.

I pressed my lips against hers. At first she didn't respond and I almost removed them, but after I second I felt her lips open beneath mine and take in air. She took my bottom lip into her warm lips and breathed in.

We exchanged a silent exchange for a couple of minutes. Our fingers knotted themselves in each other's hair and I found myself lying completely on top of her, but with my weight on my left leg that hung off the couch. I wanted more, but I could feel Bella resisting emotionally and physically. She was keeping in control.

"What's wrong Bella? Do you want me to stop?" I asked, barely removing my lips. I didn't want them to detach from her body. Bella shook her head, but didn't say anything. "Then what is it Bella. Why are you fighting me?"

She looked back at me, slightly puzzled. "Aren't you afraid you'll lose control? That this will all be too much for you?"

"You're afraid I'm going to stop and leave you unsatisfied?" I choked out, almost laughing. It was a ridiculous idea. Only someone completely selfish would have that sort of notion. Then it hit me. That this was as far as Edward and her ever got to. I looked back at her soft, trusting eyes and took her head into my hands.

"I feel everything you feel. Even the slightest discomfort. There's no question of ever hurting you." I told her, not breaking eye contact. "And I'm not going to stop this until you tell me too," I added with a vain superiority. I wanted to dig at Edward, because he had her affection first. Because she loved him, and even though I loved Alice I was insanely jealous about that.

I once again lowered my lips on Bella's, but this time she responded with a considerable passion. She opened her lips and traced her tongue along the contours of my own lips, setting them on fire. Electricity flowed through my body and I wanted Bella badly. I started to kiss every part of her skin that was exposed. My mouth traced her ears, jaw-line and throat. I stopped at the hollow of her throat and took in a long breath, then gently kissed the crevice. Looking up at Bella, I saw her smile at me. There wasn't a trace of fear in her body.

We continued to press our lips on each other, and her breathing became very staggered. It was extremely arousing, magnified only by the mere fact we knew every emotion running through our bodies. I sensed how much she enjoyed our body's exchange of wants and desires. She was extremely excited and nervous. She also had a streak of vengeance, but it didn't bother me. Part of her viewed this stolen moment as an act of revenge against what he did to her, and I accepted it. It was sadistic, but part of me felt that too.

I wanted more. I let my fingers slip under her shirt and creep up behind her back. Bella's eyes flashed wide and she let out a gasp. "Don't stop breathing now. I'm losing my appreciation for necrophilia." I joked, and Bella returned with a smile.

"I must be the Achilles' Heel for vampires or something," Bella said between broken breaths and kisses. I chuckled.

"Oh," I replied. "You are far worse Bella Swan."

I removed my lips from her neck and moved down gracefully to her stomach. My fingers gently snapped back the clasp on her bra. I began tracing my icy tongue along her gentle, diminutive curves. I couldn't stop touching her. I craved the warm of her body, feeling the pulsing of her heart and the expansion of her stomach and chest when she breathed. It was different, because she needed to breathe for life and I never appreciated it before. Not like this. Her scent maddened me in a different way.

"Jasper," her voice whispered, strained.

I lifted my lips for an instant to reply, "yes, Bella?"

"Are we going—"

"Stop." I said suddenly. "Don't even think for thought." I begged. I knew what she wanted to know. I tried to figure out how to answer, without actually committing to something. I settled with, "let our bodies decide what to do, and leave your mind to think on the spot only. Can you do that?"

Bella nodded. I could feel her pulling me up to face her. She locked her lips into mine, pressing her tongue inside mine with considerable force. I knew it was hint.

"So… how about that local slash college sports team?" she whispered as my lips moved back to her stomach, and my hands felt for the edge of her shirt, pulling it off.

I smiled widely at her, letting my gentlemanly side drift to the backburner. "I heard they were going to score." I looked back at Bella to gauge her reaction, and I was happy to see her smiling. Actually, she was ecstatic.

"Really?" She coughed, "I heard they might have a tough time with that."

"And why is that?"

"Well," Bella said coyly, and I was surprised to see the usual shyness slipped away. "I think it was because they were relying too much on bravado and forgetting to use their natural skills."

I looked directly into her chocolate eyes and smiled at her. "Really?"

"No." Bella replied breathlessly. "They're definitely going to score."

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**So, review and I might update before Friday.**

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	5. Hurricane

Soooo... First and foremost I must say: SORRY! I really am sorry to all who read my fic and were promised a speedy update. There are only a couple things/people to blame for that. One, myself. Life got in the... Damn you stupid life! I'm a manager for a retail store, and sometimes that can get in the way. BTW niki, proofread this...lol... Secondly, I whole-heartedly blame Koinaka for keeping me thoroughly detained for a couple days. For those who do not know the screen name, **Koinaka** is a brilliant writer who has published some of my favourite fan fics of all time. She has an excellent Jaspella called "Fatal Temptation" that I highly recommend. It's brilliant and amazing and every positively linked connotation there is. Thirdly... it's my first lemon. It was soo hard. Please don't be harsh--actually be harsh. I need harsh crit! I eat crit and crave it like heroin--like my Edward.

Disclaimer: The usual... I own only the letter E! Well, no--I don't. But think of the royalty if I did!

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From Chapter 3

"_Stop." I said suddenly. "Don't even think for thought." I begged. I knew what she wanted to know. I tried to figure out how to answer, without actually committing to something. I settled with, "let our bodies decide what to do, and leave your mind to think on the spot only. Can you do that?"_

_Bella nodded. I could feel her pulling me up to face her. She locked her lips into mine, pressing her tongue inside mine with considerable force. I knew it was hint. _

_"So… how about that local slash college sports team?" she whispered as my lips moved back to her stomach, and my hands felt for the edge of her shirt, pulling it off. _

_I smiled widely at her, letting my gentlemanly side drift to the backburner. "I heard they were going to score." I looked back at Bella to gauge her reaction, and I was happy to see her smiling. Actually, she was ecstatic._

_"Really?" She coughed, "I heard they might have a tough time with that."_

_"And why is that?"_

_"Well," Bella said coyly, and I was surprised to see the usual shyness slipped away. "I think it was because they were relying too much on bravado and forgetting to use their natural skills."_

_I looked directly into her chocolate eyes and smiled at her. "Really?" _

_"No." Bella replied breathlessly. "They're definitely going to score."_

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**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**

**Chapter 4: Hurricane**

_Playlist: _

_Hurricane, Something Corporate (obviously)_

_Dirty Little Secret, The All-American Rejects_

* * *

I lifted Bella easily into my lap, swinging her on top of me so her weight fell over my body. The locks of her hair drifted over my face and sent flutters of her scent deep into my throat. It was so mouthwatering and I wanted to devour her in so many ways. I allowed myself quick gasp somewhere under her ear, grazing my tongue in the crevice of her neck.

All of my senses were on overdrive. I could feel her heightened arousal and nervousness. Her lips and tongue were eagerly pressing themselves on my cheek and jaw-line, occasionally meeting my mouth when I them. She was so warm, but the fine hairs on her arm pricked up when I ran my fingers across them. I knew I was cold to her, maybe even icy. I wondered if that felt obtrusive.

Bella shook her head, rolling it back so my mouth could trace kisses along her neck and shoulders. I stole a glance at her chest. She was wearing a simple black bra, but it seeing her uncovered skin would have been breathtaking—if I wasn't already trying desperately not to breathe. Part of me begged to take another gasp at her delicious scent, but there was already so much to think about. To add on her blood's delicious call would be a death sentence.

Her skin flushed when she realized I had been stealing glances at her body. I could feel her temperature rise, as well as currents of embarrassment, but it passed when she sensed how much it excited me. It was like we didn't need to exchange words, when all our emotions were on the table. Bella quickly seemed to lose her sense of inhibition and became as lost as I was in the moment.

I thought it would be more difficult, controlling my strength with her. She was so frail, but I found it remarkably easy. Her body sent signals of what I was doing right or wrong. If I kissed her a little too hard, she may not have physically told me but I got the message. It must have been the same for Bella, because the way her hands and mouth moved on my body drove me crazy. She seemed to know exactly how to spark my body. And she really did sent electricity all though me.

My entire body craved Bella, and I needed her desperately. Wrapping her around my waist, I stood up, never letting my lips leave a part of her body. I started to walk my way to the stairwell, kissing her. I had one hand holding her against my chest, the other hand trying to remove the clasp of the bra without destroying it. It was taking all my resolve not to rip the tiny piece of fabric off, but I knew Bella would be quite angry with that. In the morning.

The landing of the stairs didn't come fast enough. Halfway up the case I held Bella up against the railing. I bent down and kissed her neck, then her shoulders and collar, until I came to her chest. I traced the soft contours of her breasts with my right hand before kissing them gently. I had never felt anything so perfect. There weren't words. Her entire body was so fragile, I was afraid to hurt her, but Bella seemed to enjoy the roughness. I felt her arousal spark when there was an edge to our kissing, a danger.

I returned my mouth to hers, remembered myself slightly and started up the stairs once more. I was now even more eager to make it up to my couch. I never let my hands let go of her body the entire half second it took to reach my room. Even with vampire velocity it took too long to be able to lay her across the couch and peel the rest of the black fabric strip from her tiny frame. I tossed it to the floor without a second thought.

I felt Bella's fingers fumble with the buttons on my shirt. I became instantly nervous, but Bella gave me a slight laugh. "Are you tense because of your scars Jasper?" she asked me with light concern. I could only nod. She forced off my tight fitting shirt and kissed my chest. "Hasn't anyone ever told you…chicks dig scars."

Bella tried to take over some control, pulling up and pushing me to the couch. She even got more confidence when she realized how it drove me wild. As Bella's lips moved on my chest, it struck me how much she changed. She was kissing me with a boldness and grace that was usually so absent in her usual demeanor.

My mind spiraled when Bella traced her tongue down my chest, stopping at the edge of my jeans. I had to have her. I was becoming increasing insane with each kiss and flick of her tongue. I pressed her as gently as I could to the couch and crawled over her. I could her excitement and nervous anticipation run through her. It was like we never had to ask a question, because I could feel her answer and she felt mine. At the moment I looked at her, she knew I was asking permission and I knew she was granting it.

I never felt more nervous in my life.

I almost had to recap the past twenty minutes in my mind: Bella's face, warm and flushed beneath mine, her burning lips touching my skin and the feelings of passion, excitement and frantic obsession. It was maddening.

I grazed Bella's back with my fingers, propping her up in my left arm. She was so delicate in my grasp, but I wasn't afraid of hurting her. I knew that she was feeling no pain; I was having a slight case of performance anxiety. Bella kissed my lips with her mouth parted and sucked on my lower lip for a second. The rush of heat followed all through me like an electrical current. Everywhere we touched became miniature cold front collisions, and our bodies—a hurricane. I was thrown into Tropical Storm Bella. I couldn't imagine the wake of destruction we were going to cause.

With Bella in my one arm, I let the other trail down to the button on her jeans. My finger lingered on my brass circle for an elongated second before I let impulse take over and peel the jeans from her tender skin. Bella's face went flushed with blood and her entire body radiated apprehension.

"I wish you'd stop worrying about your appearance," I whispered to her, kissing her stomach, her thigh. "The colour of your skin is much to appetizing when you're all hot and bothered." I heard her laugh, but she knew there was a serious undertone. The blood just lingering underneath her rosy cheeks were a constant tease, masked by a different set of desires and the odd connection we were continuing to share.

Bella rose up from my light grasp and pounced in my lap, kissing my neck and jaw. I felt her hands run from the back of my hair to my chest as a small electrical current followed. She shocked me as her hands felt for my belt. I could barely contain myself to just kissing her, when she was being so forward. My pants were becoming unbearably restricting. As much as enjoyed this drawn out, tension filled pre-show, I wanted so much to press her against the wall and take her right now. It was only my desire to be a better lover than Edward that kept me from finishing this right now.

"Please stop thinking about him!" Bella pleaded, coiling her head to look up at me. "It's utterly annoying and distracting."

I pulled back for a second. Did Bella realize whom all my emotions were for? I concentrated on her face for a second and immediately realized. She did. I purposely tried not to fully envelop myself in her so I could contain some self-control, but when I let myself just concentrate on her, everything became stronger than it was before. Not only did I have the usual empathy, but also it was laced with 'almost-thoughts'. Like imprints of emotional memories. I knew whom they were for, what happened—but at the same time neither. It was like fleeting wisps of both thoughts and images, and I was left with just the feelings and their information. It was surreal.

I continued to concentrate on Bella for a second, the emotional side. Involving anything sexual would have warranted the National Guard. Bella let me realized that Edward and her have never gotten this far, not even close—and knowing that to be this close was possible, especially with me, made her emotions for Edward spiral into a whirlwind of anger and resentment.

"Now can we continue with our random, totally unexpected encounter?" Bella jostled playfully, nipping at my neck. I growled mockingly at her, baring my teeth. She laughed, and continued to fuss at my belt. After a couple excruciating seconds, I set Bella on the couch and stood up.

"Allow me, please," I told her, whipping off my pants before she had time to blink. Bella scrunched her face up and folded her arms. It was terribly sexy, with her messy hair and near nakedness.

"Stupid vampire velocity," she whimpered, but then dropped her jaw at me. I couldn't help but laugh. I stood in front of her, completely uncovered—and completely ready to go.

"Well, I was a soldier, you know." I told her casually, kneeling towards her. I felt her feign confidence by not shying away. I was completely enthralling.

Bella bit her lip. "Lieutenant Comman_do_ Whitlock?" she giggled out, trying to keep her eyes on my face. I could feel her curiosity flowing through her body however, and it was amazing. I hadn't felt that desired in years, especially in this way.

"At your service," I whispered back, with all traces of humour vanished from my voice. Bella immediately straightened up and her pulse quickened. Foreplay over.

"Bella," I pleaded closing in on her. "I need you. I want you." I used my soft voice needlessly. I knew she wanted me to, but the moan coming from her lips at the end of my sentence made me insane. She barely made out a nod, but it was enough for me.

I scooped Bella up with both arms and laid her gently on the carpet. I kissed her forehead, her cheek, and her lips. We exchanged desperate advances. I let my tongue grace the inside of her mouth and feel the warmth. It only aggravated my craving for her. I continued to trail my tongue down her neck and breasts. I loved how the rushing of blood changed them before my eyes. I let my hands and mouth explore for only a couple seconds before continuing my mission.

My cool lips traveled past her navel to the lining of her panties. They were simple and black, kind of like a smaller version of boxers. Nothing like the ridiculous string things that Alice used to pounce around in. I loved the modesty of Bella, laced with hunger and seduction that seemed to revel somewhere underneath her usual clumsy and shy demeanor.

I took the black satin in my teeth and pulled—somewhat gently. I think I cut a slight hole in them. Either way, after a second they were thrown on the recliner. I looked back on her, ravenous. Her eyes locked back onto mine, all inhibition lost. She smiled back at me, biting her lip and crossing her legs.

I crawled on top of her, taking my right leg and swiftly spreading her legs back apart. "Tempt not a desperate man." I stole. Bella merely raised an eyebrow.

"For that to happen a man should be in sight, and I'm done with mortals don't you know?" She replied coolly, but not attempting to regain control. She actually became even less tense. I could only feel excitement…and wanting coming off her.

I kissed her once, and then lowered my self on to her, so I ever part of my chest pressed slightly on hers. My eyes remained glued to hers for expression, my feelings slightly tapped into hers for signals. There was no sign of doubt.

I pressed myself into her. A mix of emotions hit me like a slap in the face: shock, pain, curiosity, and amazement. "Am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?" I asked frenzied, even though I felt the shock wave of pain receding. She shook her head and smiled at me like I was a child. It dawned on me, something that I hadn't thought of before. "Some southern gentlemen I am." Bella merely laughed.

"It actually feels surprising good." She laughed again, somewhat embarrassed. "Um, you kind of have a cooling effect." Bella told me through reddened cheeks. The realization of what she meant was instantaneous. The conscience effort to keep Bella alive must have put my own feelings on the back burner, but when they came, the hit me with a vampire forced.

It was different. There was no doubt about it. It wasn't sex. It was something beyond sex, and I had only just pressed into her. She was soft, warm and unbelievable amazing. There was no hard edge or surface strength to her. She was all curves and tenderness. I was fighting a desperate battle with my vampire instincts and not just the call of her blood. My mere efficacy and speed were enemies of the moment.

I allowed myself to regain in the moment before moving again, and when I did it was complete caution. My vampire sensitivity only brought slow torture as I fought my battle to keep control. I allowed small exchanges with our lips, but kept my hands on the carpet where they tore small holes in the threading.

When Bella would moan, which I didn't expect, being her first time—it took a shot at my instincts. I wanted to go harder, faster and when I couldn't, I wanted to pull out my hair. I could also feel Bella's frustrations as well. She wanted me to quicken the pace as well, and fought to take over. I didn't know if I could handle myself with her on me, like the predator. The idea itself drove me wild.

"Please," begged Bella in a ragged, desperate tone. It made me gasp and suffer greatly. She was pleading with me to do exactly what I wanted to do and what we shouldn't. "You'd feel me if it hurt. You'd know." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, but it was etched in my mind.

My body started moving. I couldn't help it; it began moving itself. It craved Bella's warmth and demanded satisfaction. I was struggling for an ounce of self-control to keep her alive. I continued to thrust myself into her. I could feel the intensity building and hers too, which only added to the pleasure. I knew whether I killed her, or not—this moment was soon to be over.

"Jasper," the devil whisper, torn and jagged. I tried to ignore her delicious voice. "Jasper!" She said louder. I looked up at her, seeing her face—but feeling everything she was feeling. It was like a pebble hitting the water. No—it was like a missile hitting a target. The moment I felt her reach climax, I couldn't hold on.

I buried my face into the carpet and my hands ripped the small holes into large gashed. Shakes ran through me, and my mind stumbled between bouts of hysteria and emptiness. It was an unbelievable euphoria; I never felt so warm, so alive.

"I feel almost immortal," my Bella said mildly.


	6. Connections and Lies

**Forward:** OH MY GOODNESS! I am soooooooooooooooo unbelievably sorry. Almost begging for forgiveness worthy. My boss is on vacay in India, so I literally have been stretched like really old bubble gum (about to break). The next three chapters will be highly--HIGHLY intense. I'm sure Koinaka will agree. I'm almost shivering thinking about writing them.

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer is brilliant, amazing, awesome, perfect, eloquent, beautiful and the rightful owner of Twilight.

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_From Chapter Four_

_My body started moving. I couldn't help it; it began moving itself. It craved Bella's warmth and demanded satisfaction. I was struggling for an ounce of self-control to keep her alive. I continued to thrust myself into her. I could feel the intensity building and hers too, which only added to the pleasure. I knew whether I killed her, or not—this moment was soon to be over._

_"Jasper," the devil whisper, torn and jagged. I tried to ignore her delicious voice. "Jasper!" She said louder. I looked up at her, seeing her face—but feeling everything she was feeling. It was like a pebble hitting the water. No—it was like a missile hitting a target. The moment I felt her reach climax, I couldn't hold on. _

_I buried my face into the carpet and my hands ripped the small holes into large gashed. Shakes ran through me, and my mind stumbled between bouts of hysteria and emptiness. It was an unbelievable euphoria; I never felt so warm, so alive. _

_"I feel almost immortal," my Bella said mildly. _

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Playlist:

Whatever Lies will Help You Rest, The Ataris

Connections are More Dangerous than Lies, The Ataris

Time is Running Out, Muse

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**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**

**Chapter 5: Connections are More Dangerous than Lies**

The days that followed were unlike anything I have ever experienced. As soon as we finished on the floor of my old bedroom Bella immediately struggled for her clothes, putting them on in her usual clumsy demeanor. The shyness crept back under her flush skin, although in retrospect it was never as prominent. She felt the want I had for her, even after I had her, so I knew she could never be ever as unassuming as she once was.

I drove her home so she could sleep in her own bed. It was still only late morning, but Bella hadn't slept all night and the exhaustion I felt from her was extremely tiring. I carried her up the stairs when we got back to her small house, and laid her gently back on her bed. She was practically asleep in my arms, and it was torturous to let her down. I wanted to hold her body in my grasp and never let go.

"Please don't say you're leaving," Bella pleaded softly when I finally let my last finger fall off her skin. She wasn't staring into my eyes, but the longing was intense. She was also afraid I wouldn't come back. I allowed myself to trace the edge of her jaw, eventually setting my hand on her shoulder.

I bent down so my face was almost next to hers, "I'm not leaving you Bella," I whispered. "But I do have to go. I need to hunt. You've taken a lot out of me." My last words thrown in as a joke, but part of me was completely serious. Every moment I continued to share with Bella became more dangerous to her existence. Every breath I took made her smell more delicious.

"I'll be back before you wake up. I won't go far." I promised. I look onto face and tried to send her calmness, hoping to lull her into sleep. Bella grunted at me and rolled the other way.

Her emotions stayed as they were before. I didn't understand. "Please don't," acrid words seethed out of Bella's mouth, her eyes still closed. I realized at that moment another complication between us, but I decided not to dwell on it. It was already much too overwhelming: the intensity of our connection and the inextirpable bond of it. And Bella, how she was making me mad with desire.

My thoughts never lifted far from her. Even as I hunted I thought of her face, her skin, her breath on my skin. When our body's touched each other's it was like rapid oxidization. It was fire-- a matchstick hitting ice.

It didn't take me long to assuage the burning in my throat, but I kept on to pass time. The tingle and itch still lingered as it always did, but the edge and ferocity of it vanished. I let six hours pass, knowing Bella was still asleep-- I could tell by the dimmed emotions. I was about to return back into the second floor of the Swan residence when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I could tell by Bella's dim emotions that she was still fast asleep.

Whipping out the phone from my pocket, I allowed myself to take a breath. "Alice," I said as calmly as my voice would allow. I waited for the end of world, but it didn't come.

"Jasper," she replied smoothly, her voice angelic. I had forgotten how sweet and light Alice's voice was. "I called to tell you that I'm travelling to Biloxi for a couple of weeks. Don't worry, there's nothing too dangerous."

"Sorry?" I asked, bewildered. Alice just laughed.

"I found where I was born, so to speak… or literally. That I don't know, but I think I may have found my origin. Remember how I've been searching asylums since I saw the video James made? Well, I think I may have found the once I was at before I turned. It's just outside of Biloxi. I'm really hoping to get some answers." I could here the hope in her voice and it soothed me."

"I'm glad you're finding about yourself. How is the rest of the family?"

"Thank you. You know it's something I've always been curious about, even if I never said it. Now I feel like I am going to get some closure. That I can start putting the past away like it's supposed to be, instead of just a mystery. I hate not being able to know." Alice paused for a breath that I could quite decipher, especially not being able to feel her. "Carlisle and Esme are worried about Edward. Not a lot has changed since you left—it's only been a week."

"Really. It feels like time is standing still then." I replied vaguely. I really wanted to tell her that I felt and entire lifetime slip in between the moment I left her and our phone call. Each moment stretched into years of experience.

I could hear Alive sigh. "I feel the same way. That's why I decided to visit Biloxi. I wanted to wait for you to return, but it's too lonely here without you. I am hoping that this will keep me occupied until you finish your mission, but who knows how long that is going to take—now that she's seen you, right?"

I didn't know what to say. My mind fumbled for words, but nothing came. "It's alright Jasper. I saw she fainted. There was really no other choice. I am thinking of coming to visit too, once I'm done in Biloxi, if Edward doesn't find out."

"She misses you, Alice." I told her, trying to sound genuine—but no part of me really wanted her here now, or anytime. "But right now, she feels betrayed that you didn't even say goodbye to her. I don't know if it's the best thing to do." I tried to sound emphatic to Alice and Bella both, but moreover panic had control of the wheel.

I could her tones of distress in Alice's voice. "If you can do anything, please make her forgive me Jasper. She was as close as a sister to me. I love her so much. You know how it destroyed me to leave."

Part of me remembered those first couple month when we left. I tried to bury the memories of Alice and the pain it caused her to leave Bella. They had become so close and truly like sisters. "I'll do what I can. I know you just want her to be happy."

"I love you Jasper." The last four words dragged out into tortured whispers, lingering in the back of my head. I forced back what Alice so desperately wanted to hear. I did mean it too. The line went dead moments after, but my thoughts still paced—replaying the conversation over and over. Pausing at Alice's pained words and some hidden meaning. Did she think something? Truly, I didn't know. She seemed to be coming up blanks, so I guess Bella and I were able to evade the psychic.

Folding back up the phone, I started to run back to the Swan house. I was there within a couple minutes, standing directly below her window. Afternoon was settling in, most likely bringing home Charlie. It would probably be a good idea to wake Bella before he comes home. If he found her asleep it would probably start another round of him wanting her to see a doctor, or live with Renee.

I stared up at the window for another moment, before jumping to the roof landing and then promptly through the window. Bella was still fast asleep, breathing lightly. It was so amazing just watching her stomach rise and fall. I breathed for normalcy; she breathed for life. My textbook memory relayed the cellular respiration and how the oxygen she breathed broke down glucose, turning it into ATP—just to break it apart again. I wanted her to continue breathing for me, so she would have all the energy she'd need to kiss me for minutes—hours.  
I loved her warmth and tenderness as much as it killed me—and oh how it would destroy us both. Her forever. I didn't even realize I was already gently lifting fallen hairs from her face, my mouth and teeth only inches from her neck. My senses heightened by her delightful scent. I let my lips press against the small crevice under her chin. Her heartbeat pulse through my mouth and down my spine. It was almost an unbearable pleasure.

I continued to trace my lips along her jaw, and practiced steady breathing. I wanted so much to enjoy her scent while my body enjoyed the softness of her skin. Her eyes flickered slightly by the coldness of her touch. If my emotions weren't spiked by her sudden excitement I would have still guessed she was asleep. Bella feigned like a pro in appearance, but her heartbeat and pure adrenaline gave her away.

"Jasper," Bella mouthed through a slight groan, her eyes still fighting sleep. "I need what us mere mortals refer to as a human moment. I look terrible, I'm sure." She tried to straighten her herself up, rubbing her eyes and straightening her hair out slightly. It was an adorable sight.

I put my hands on the sides of her cheeks and kissed her forehead. "You wouldn't believe me if I said you look perfect the way you are, would you?" I asked. I use to say stuff like that to Alice constantly, when we were alone. She loved to be constantly reminded that she was beautiful.

Bella tilted her head. "Of course I believe you, Jasper. I can feel exactly what you feel for me. And please don't use recycled lines." The last line hit a little rough. I wasn't meaning to use reverberated lines. I was just trying to be polite and gentlemanly. I wanted to explain to Bella, but she was already gone. Remarkably fast for a human. After a moment she'd forgiven me, most likely after sorting through my emotions that followed.

Then it stunned me. We really did know what was going on in each other's minds. We didn't gets thoughts like Edward, but imprints or shadows of thoughts, pictures and emotions. Even after we first discovered it, we still relied on verbal communication. She knew everything I was feeling, thinking, picturing. There was no escape—no way to block out any thought. It was all lain to bear. It was terrifying. _I know what you mean,_ Bella thought. It wasn't the exact words. It was more that her mind agreed with mine. There were no real words; everything was so abstract.

A black and white cruiser pulled into the driveway. Bella pounced back into the bedroom. She wasn't worried that Charlie was going to bust into the room, due to my own nonchalance I presumed. We both knew I could disappear before Charlie even started up the stairs.

"What am I going to do tomorrow?" Bella whispered, falling back on to the bed. Tomorrow was Monday. Her head started to nuzzle into my leg. I let my fingers thread in her hair.

I had already thought a couple times before about that. I dreaded the entire idea of being away from her, and I know she felt the same. "I was thinking of enrolling, actually."

Bella sat up. "Yeah, like that would work! What would you tell them?"

It was my turn to laugh, pressing a finger to her lips. Charlie was only downstairs after all. "Well. I was thinking of just telling them that my father is allowing me to live up here to finish the semester, due to an unfortunate biological reaction to California. Palm trees. As it turns, I've lethally allergic to them."

Bella's eyes raised slightly. "And if that doesn't work, oh wise one?"

I kissed her gently. "Easy. I'll smile at them. Works every time."

And it did. Within the week I was already settled back into Forks Secondary. I was a grade ahead of Bella, so my classes were never the same, but I saw her everyday at lunch. We didn't need to talk when we did sit together, and slowly we started to talk even less overall. Anything that we needed to tell, we already knew instantly.

When Bella sat in calculus I could almost taste the boredom. At first I tried to ease the suffering of equations with a couple very vivid memories, but unfortunately that often led to more disastrous situations—one resulting in a broken sink, in the teacher's bathroom.

I thought that Bella and I were becoming highly reckless, but Alice never hinted that she gained insight on something more. She did however learn a little bit about herself and how she was born Mary Alice Brandon. She must have never enjoyed Mary as a human name, because Alice didn't transform knowing it. She was always Alice. Just Alice. I began to wonder why Alice hadn't seen even the slightest inappropriate scene between Bella and I. Bella hypothesized that it was because of how we were linked. That are minds had created almost a bridge to each other that it somehow superceded Alice's abilities to see us, or at least actions between us.

By the end of the month, my life had become routine. I was even introduced to Charlie, not as Bella's boyfriend—especially after what happened. It only took a little emotional tweaking to get him to like me.

I wondered if time would ever run out on us.

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**I promise if you review, I'll get chapter six done on Sunday.**

I love you all.

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	7. Two Pieces

**Forward and Disclaimer in one:** Okay all. I finished in Sunday. Just like I said I would. This was an exciting chapter for me. I am delving slightly into two other characters. My favourite: Alice. And my husband (once I drugged him and take him to vegas).

I used the extra from Stephenie Meyer to base this. I thought it was an alright premise to start with because it's the only piece of information into the mind of Edward where we see his distress. Of course I don't own Stephenie's actual works.

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Playlist.

_For Alice POV:_

**Rooftop**, Melissa McClelland

**Screaming Infidelities**, Dashboard Confessional

_For Edward POV:_

**There Is**, Box Car Racer

**P.S. I Love You,** The All American Rejects

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**The Pros and Cons of Breathing**

Chapter Six: Two Pieces

He was so beautiful: his fair hair falling over his face slightly and his golden eyes that were so much more soulful than any human in the world

He was so beautiful: his fair hair falling over his face slightly and his golden eyes that were so much more soulful than any human in the world. He could capture a perfect moment in his irises. When I first woke up from the change and saw his face that's what I pictured. I saw forever deep within a mask of burgundy and self-loathing. I saw that I would be his savoir. He always told me I was his hope in a pixie frame. Now, with his right hand on a doorknob and his left holding a small backpack I didn't know if I would ever be his personal savoir again.

It was my last chance at self-preservation and I was disgusted at myself. "He told us not to go, Jasper. We have to honour Edward's wishes. We made a promise." I pleaded with my arms crossed. I didn't need to touch him to get my point across, he could sense everything I was feeling. He knew I was afraid. I didn't need a vision to know this was a bad idea.

"I can't keep this promise anymore Alice. It's destroying me. Can't you see that?" Jasper face was hardly composed. It hadn't been for almost two months. When we first left, it was me that internally twisted and pained. I begged Jasper to let me go back, but he insisted that we both let Edward's madness play out. He would come to his senses soon enough, Jasper said. Weeks slipped by and we started hearing less from Edward. He stopped checking in. He wouldn't even talk to me when he did come home. I didn't care; I almost hated him.

After a couple months, I buried myself into my own relationship with Jasper. Focusing on us kept me borderline content. Only when I started coming around did I really see how Jasper was fighting a harder battle. In my own pain I never realized that Jasper was just being strong for me. He forgot his own guilt and grief to protect me.

Perhaps that's why I was letting his go so easily. If going to her would ultimately give me back my once strong and brilliant Jasper, I wouldn't think twice. I just couldn't pin down why I such a large part of me was screaming, _NO_ and begging the rest of me to pin him down until he agrees to stay. I did spend days fighting with him to stay, but no matter how hard I tried we still found ourselves here, by the doorway.

I don't ever remember Jasper so completely disregarding my emotions like this. If I were human I'd most likely be streaming tears in sobs. My instincts told me I was losing him. My visions couldn't agree either way. Everything was just too indefinite to get anything. The only clear vision was my torn Jasper leaving through the door in the exact clothes he was wearing now. It was a nightmare being on repeat. The worst part was I knew I was losing, betting against myself.

"I'll see you soon," Jasper whispered halfway out the door. I gave a twisted nod and he disappeared. I was alone.

It was less than a week I decided that the house could no longer detain me. I was narrowing down my research on asylums and a vision hit me. Bella going limp and falling towards the ground in a fluid sort of motion. Jasper taking her back to the Cullen home. Jasper wrecked and terrified. Jasper touching Bella's cheek. I was confusing, unnerving. I wanted to phone him, but I couldn't bring myself to grab my phone.

I let a couple days slip by before dialing Jasper's number. It was the moment I decided to fly to a place in Mississippi. I couldn't get the image of Jasper's fingers tracing Bella's skin. He was so being gentle and caring I told myself.

I pressed the phone up to my ear and the ringing reverberated in my ear. "Alice," my Jasper spoke smoothly. I closed my eyes at the sound of my name.

"Jasper," I replied. I almost forgot why I wanted to say. "I called to tell you that I'm travelling to Biloxi for a couple of weeks. Don't worry, there's nothing too dangerous." I tried to sound casual, but my voice was ragged. I was excited to find out about myself, if that was where I was from.

Jasper seemed very happy for me too. He actually seemed more content overall. It makes me grateful to Bella. She must have been a lot better off than we both expected. I entertained the idea of visiting her too. I miss her terribly.

"She misses you, Alice." He told me after I brought it up. "But right now, she feels betrayed that you didn't even say goodbye to her. I don't know if it's the best thing to do." My thoughts fell. I never realized how much Bella would resent me. I figured Edward, but me? Didn't she know that I wanted to? Didn't Edward tell her why I didn't say goodbye? I was fuming my thoughts to Edward and at the same time begging Jasper to get Bella to forgive me. I needed Bella to know that I loved her, even if I couldn't ever see her again. Vampires don't forget.

It was two weeks later when my entire being was ripped to shreds. It was eleven in the morning and I was locked up in a motel in Biloxi reading through "borrowed" files for the eleventh time.

_Jasper's tongue traced the lining of Bella's neck. His hands moving under the soft fabric of Bella's shirt. His body pressed against hers. Bella. Bella unbuttoning the pants of my husband, letting the fabric slip to the floor. Both of them crammed into a small bathroom, barred up against the sink. _I wanted to shut it off, but I couldn't. It was ingrained against the back of my skull. The images flashing like sirens. It didn't matter if my eyes were open or closed all I could see was their bodies entwined and their mouths never leaving each other's bodies. The inside of my mind was spinning.

The walls surrounding me were shrinking, I needed to get out. Thirst welled up inside me and started to scratch the walls of my throat. I rummaged for my gloves and hat. I was barely thinking. Every time I chanced to think all I would see is Jasper having sex with Bella.

I took one look at the empty street and darted for the nearest forest. Should I call them, I asked myself quickly. Maybe I could stop this before it actually became that, but I couldn't will my self to pick up the phone. I just keep running, deeper in the forest.

I hunted for hours. I let any anger or hurt I had manifest itself upon the wildlife in the forest. I realized that it was Jasper I was angry with. Bella was only human after all. She was probably acting on pure hurt. I didn't know for sure, but I couldn't bring myself to hate her. I blamed Edward and Jasper. Both of them were acting on pure selfishness. I called Jasper that night, and then on every week for a couple months.

Jasper lied and lied and lied to me. Every phone call. He told me about how messed up Bella was and how he needed to stay and that eventually I could visit. Eventually. I even talked to Bella a couple times. She never talked long. I guess the guilt was overwhelming.

There was hope in all of this. I was getting flickers from Edward. He was breaking down. It was only a matter of time before he returned from wherever he was.

Edward POV

I could've been in Rio de Janeiro. I really didn't know, or care. All I knew is I lost track of Victoria somewhere along the lines. She was probably somewhere in Texas, when I almost had her last. It was torturing knowing that she evaded me once more. I had no idea when I would be able to find her scent again. I knew I had to find her trace once more, without it—my purpose is lost. Reasons for existing were falling through my hands like water. There was no stable to ground anymore.

It was still dark outside and I was laying on the forest floor, somewhere in the rainforest. Wildlife wandered past me like I wasn't there. I couldn't be bothered with feeding, even though I knew I had to. The burning was a distraction to me.

When I wasn't thirsty or consumed in tracking Victoria, my thoughts were free to wander. There was only one person in the world worth thinking about. No! I told myself. Stop! She deserved so much more than I could give her. She deserved to be free to laugh and smile without me. Without all the damnation I would bring her. Even if I would never forget her for as long as I walked the earth, she deserved to grow old and marry. To have children and grandchildren and see them grow. What kind of happiness could I give her? There was none, only hell in a venom-soaked hand basket.

The phone buzzed again in my pocket. It was most likely Carlisle or Esme. They called once a day. Telling me they loved me and wanted me home. I stopped answering last month, when Jasper wasn't home and couldn't control Rosalie's hysteria. She was bitter since I "destroyed" the family by leaving. Alice, who I used to be closest to before I met _her_, hated me. I didn't need to hear her thoughts to know that. She loved her as much as I did. I didn't even give Alice permission to say goodbye. Jasper consoled her as much as he could.

He was the only person I talked to. He would text me when he was alone and I would sometimes phone. We would talk about strategies for finding Victoria. He would never ask me to come home or convey pleas from the rest of the family. It was almost six weeks since we last talked. He did sent a brief message a couple weeks back, apologizing. Supposedly Alice hadn't left him alone since the fight. He would try soon.

Twenty minutes later the phone vibrated again. Why couldn't they leave me alone? I took out the phone to chuck it deeper in the forest. The name flashed. It was Rosalie's phone. My curiosity flared. Why would she bother to call, ever?

I flipped open the phone. "You answered?" Shock flowed through Rosalie's voice.

Anger flickered in rapidly. "What do you want Rosalie?" The words echoed off the forest canopy. I knew I sounded lethal. I didn't waste time with formalities and there was nothing in my mind but the last conversation we shared—which was not pleasant.

"I want you to stop acting so childish and come home Edward. You are hurting Carlisle and Esme so much. We need you. We aren't a family without you Edward. Especially since Jasper and Alice left." Rosalie was pleaded. It was almost comical, listening to the ice queen melt with some foreign emotion.

"Then why don't you just get Jasper and Alice back to fill my void, and then just leave me alone!"

"Stop acting like a child Edward!" Rosalie spat, but I could almost hear her regret it as soon as the words came out. I merely laughed.

"You Rosalie have no right to say anything. You, being most probably the biggest egocentric person in the entire universe. Forget this. I'm hanging up."

"Wait!" Rosalie pleaded just moments before I touched the little red end button.

"What is it Rose?" I coughed out, with my eyes closed, internally begging for the conversation to stop so I could get on with my own personal hell, alone.

Rosalie paused for a second before speaking. "Just think about it Edward, please. It's miserable here and we could help you. If you'd let us. And of course I want Alice and Jasper to come home. Emmett tries to call Jasper everyday, and Alice wont be back from her trip to Biloxi for another mon—"

"What?" I choked out.

Rosalie's annoyance peaked slightly, "Well, if you were here you'd know. Alice went to Mississippi to see if that's where she's from."

"Where's. Jasper?" I elongated.

A sigh escaped Rosalie's lips before continuing. "Oh, who knows. He went on some soul searching venture months ago or something." I heard the words, but they weren't making any sense.

"They aren't together?" I asked, barely audible.

I could almost hear Rosalie's eyes roll, not sensing any importance in what she was saying. "I'm sure they are still _together_, but no, for argument sake Jasper didn't go with Alice t-" I didn't even realize I hit the off button.

The next digits I dialed were automatic. It was the only phone I've called in months. It rang and rang. Only after five consecutive rings did it finally pick up.

"What's wrong?" A hushed an nervous tone asked me, clearly not expecting me.

I tried to come across blasé. "I just need to rework this strategy a bit. I lost the trail. I'm way thrown off. Another continent thrown off—I need your help figuring out where I might have went wrong."

I heard Jasper swallow, but at the same time I heard so much more. "Yeah, okay, but can this wait until later. Alice is just in the—changeroom, and if she hears you—well, you'll know what comes."

"Yeah sure. I'll call you later." I barely stutter out. I turned off the phone. He wasn't in a mall. Not even close. I could barely keep my head from spinning. The voice of Jessica Stanley and the Newton kid rang in my head. He was in Forks.

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**See what reviewing does... If you want the next chapter, I'd review if I were you.**

Actually... anyone that reviews will be receiving a small teaser for their efforts. A clue to the next chapter.

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	8. Interlude

_OMGoodness. Yes, I'm sorry. I know. Please stop killing me! This is just an interlude until the next chapter, which will be up soon. By soon, I actually mean it._

_

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_Life had turned pretty much routine with Bella. I was so accustomed to her feelings being forged with mine that sometimes I didn't know where her thoughts ended and mine began. I loved how she was always inside me, always in the forefront of my mind. I always knew exactly what would make her body arch and twist in excitement and I revelled in it. I loved knowing exactly how to please her, but it wasn't like she wasn't gifted on the same level. I was just merely a man with her however and anything she did was enough.

And as routined followed, and the clouds in the sky turned from a pallid grey into the usual star vacant black, I waited outside her window for her to jump from her window and into my arms. I could still sense Charlie awake inside the house, so I gave him a little exhaustion to ease him into bed. Bella would normally chastise me for altering her father's moods, but tonight she also came off a little keyed up and anxious to get out of the house. Within another couple of minutes the window to the second story pryed open and Bella, less than gracefully, fell into my arms.

"Good evening, Bella," I said softly, kissing her inside the crevice of her neck. She merely pressed her head into mine and motioned to get out of here, eyes closed and ready for me to run. I eagerly obliged, taking off into the forest. The cool air hits us as we almost fly through the blur of trees and I notice how anxious Bella really is. Her emotions are spiralling and it's almost blinding. I approach the house quickly and slow to a halt, still not letting her go.

I carry her up all the way into the bedroom before unhooking my fingers from her curled up legs and back. Setting her on the bed, I trace the lining of her of her jaw with my fingers and kissed her. "Anything I can get you, love?" I whispered, kissing her once more. She shook her head, paused for a second and looked up at me. She was merely locking in on our connection. It was easier to convey thoughts when we didn't need words to mess up the translation.

She was insanely nervous and had been since lunch time today, my face clenched and she sensed it. I tried to avoid thinking about the conversation I had with Edward today, but in the instant she mentioned lunch a clear picture of Edward came into my head.

"You have to tell me, Jasper," She said with no tone I could escape from. I didn't have a choice. I relayed the phone call I had with Edward. It wasn't long and Bella seemed satisfied that it really had nothing to do with her, just Victoria and some quest he had to destroy her. Some unrest still lingered but I could tell that Bella was physically forcing it into her subconciousness. She got up after another couple of moments and wrapped her fingers around my neck. "Well then," she whispered, pressing her lips against mine and parting them slightly. "I have all this energy and nowhere to release it."

I laughed, but not at her. I was just enjoying her lighter mood. Wrapping my arms around her, I kissed her back with a little more ferver, tangling my fingers in her hair and pulling her up around my body. Straddled against my body I moved toward the window and let the moonlight that escaped the clouds highlight her body. The faint resonance from the sky caused her pale skin to glow slightly; she was so beautiful. I could barely take my eyes off of her.

Secured against the wall, I loosened my right hand from behind her back and started to peel away her shirt. "Nuisance inventions," I muttered, stripping her of her sweater and bra instantly and kissing every part of her skin that was previous hidden. I would have probably taken her right there if Bella's thoughts didn't betray her. She smiled innocently. It was fake and she was a bad liar.

I tightened Bella's legs around me and lifted her off the wall, not taking my lips from her body. Instantly we were inside the bathroom, the master bathroom--not like anyone ever used it. I flipped on the shower from the wall, and watched Bella as she watched the water fall from the ceiling in the shower. Clearly nothing like the ancient tap at the Swan residence.

"That's so amazi--" Bella started to say, forgetting the moment. I stopped the sentence with my mouth against hers.

"Yes, but it's even more amazing when your inside there. Without clothing." Bella just laughed at this, but started to peel away my shirt immediately following. It didn't take long to strip naked, and we were inside the shower within seconds.

Bella loved the sensation of my icy cold skin, and the hot water at the same time. She could barely keep her hands off me and I was in the same sense of madness. Bella, dripping wet from her eyelashes to her fingertips. I was going insane everytime I looked at her. I loved her; I wanted her, "I need you, right now," I choked out after I could forced my lips off her body.

Bella nodded, and I lifted her up against the wall and on to me. The warmth was shocking and I needed a second to control myself. She was so amazing to be in. I didn't want know how long I was able to hold on. I knew that it wasn't going to be long before I threw my dignity out the window, but she just felt too good.

I could hear a faint laugh coming from Bella, clearly sensing my current fear. "As long as you promise to please me later," she teased.

"Oh, I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't." I retorted, smiling slightly and returned to kissing her. Her lips, her neck, her breasts. I tried to focus on her, but knowing exactly how I made her feel made that idea a moot point and within a minute I was finished. I lowered her back down and kissed her on cheek. "I'm sorry," I told her, "you just felt so good."

Bella merely laughed at me and climbed out of the shower. "Are you forgetting that I feel everything you feel, Jasper?" She said, smiling--throwing a towel at me, while continuing to dry herself.

I returned the smile, "well, regardless. I want you to feel good in your own right." Bella just winked at me, buttoning up her pants and leaving the bathroom, most likely to retrieve her sweater. I towelled off a little more slowly, still slightly embarrased by my performance.

From my bedroom I heard her call for me, in plain voice. She knew I would hear her just fine. "Jasper, can you make me pancakes?" she asked, already half way down the stairs, knowing I would never decline her the world if she asked.

I settled for just slipping on my pants and racing down the stairs, picking her up along the way. "Blueberry or chocolate chip?" I asked her, setting her on the kitchen island. I noticed she was no long her pants, but instead settled for one of my long sleeve shirts. She looked so good in my clothes, but I already wanted to peel them off her again.

"Give it a second, boy," she joked as she sensed my thoughts. "I need energy first, and mine doesn't come raw and ready." I started to pull out the ingredients from the cupboards and some milk from the fridge. I tried to concentrating on mixing the ingredients together but all I could sense is Bella surveying my body with no intent on stopping.

"Come on Bella," I joked, "do I have to put a shirt on?" Bella laughed and motioned for me to come near her shaking her head.

"Don't you dare," Bella warned, pulling me by the arm and kissing me on the lips.

"I thought you wanted me to cook for you?" I teased, removing my lips from hers but remaining eye contact. I could almost taste her thoughts in my mind, _I want something. _I want thoroughly enjoying the moment where I was in control. I grabbed her hands and held them behind her back. "Bella... Bella, you are much to tempting right now." The air was tense and carried the moment. I could feel her warm breath on my face and it stunned me. There wasn't anyone in the world right now but Isabella Swan. I was less than an inch from her neck, steadying my breath.


	9. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed

Forward:

So, everyone: This is the final chapter. I'll be most likely starting another fanfic shortly. By shortly, I mean over the summer. And hopefully I'll be a little more on top of things.

I hope everyone will be pleased with how it works out. I actually debated with the FINAL finale until the very end. It was hard to write, because I love all of the characters and don't want anyone to hurt. But it's a story, after all. It's not even Stephanie Meyer's work, right? Please…please … please no hate mail. Even if you contemplate it, hate it—or think it. I know I have hated endings to a lot of works… (coughbreakingdawncough) but I still respected the author not to put flaming poop on her door step. Right?

Anyway, I really do hope you enjoy reading it as much as it killed me to write it. Perhaps a part of me just really didn't want Pros & Cons to end. It was unfair though. Really was. I'm sorry it took so long.

Thank you everyone.

Soundtrack:

_Muscle Museum -- Muse_

_Butterflies and Hurricanes – Muse (Edward)_

_This Aint a Scene – Fall Out Boy (Jasper)_

Jasper POV

I decided to linger my fingers around the outside of her leg. It was always shocking to feel the warmth radiate off her body, like rays from the sun, coming off in waves. I wanted so much to soak up her body into mine. Her pulse started to quicken under my touch. I knew that she wanted me to keep touching her. I loved how it pleased her. It was hard to get used to, how wrapped up I was, into her—just her.

I never saw it coming.

A searing pain stretched across my chest. Shards of glass spread loosely on the driveway, and crushed glass under my body. I knew I was pinned. I could feel pain like never before. Bella.

She felt the pain I should feel: the weight of the blow and the knife-like nails that scratch my skin. They permeated her body like the lethal blows a human would feel. She was alive, but sick with death. The pain incapacitated her, drenched her. I knew she felt worse than the broken leg James gave her. James teased her. This would have merely killed her.

My body was whipped against a tree. I could see my attacker. I could see my legs dangle over the ground. It looked liked the ground was moving, but it was my body. I couldn't fight back. I should fight back.

Edward let me breathe a second, even though I didn't need to, but I never craved air like I did now. Now that Bella was screaming at me to stop. Stop the unbearable pain she was in. It lingered in her, like it could never linger in me before. I still felt the aches, throbbing inside my body. "B-b-bell-la," I choked, gasping.

"DON'T. SAY. HER. NAME," Edward roared, across the lot. It pierced the sky. Then, he was next to me, his hand on my throat and body thrust against my skin, pinning me. "Don't even think about calming me," his voice was ice. I didn't need to be an empath to understand. He wished for my death. He wanted to do it himself. He wanted it now.

I could barely make out words. Edward's grasp was tight and forceful. Bella's fatal pain was depleting my strength, making me weak and human-like. I never knew how to shut her out. How to diminish her in my subconscious, and I desperately needed to. How could bear to let her feel me die?

At that, Bella screamed. A piercing shrill that echoed in the woods. She reacted to my impending death, to the pain of a vampire death and to a loss she couldn't absorb again. Every dead cell in my body was filled with torment. "Y-you will k-kill her." I forced the words out beyond the deathly grip.

Edward's black eyes met mine. I could see the gold reflection in his black eyes. He must of known I haven't slipped. Not even close. He wouldn't trust my thoughts. He would just assume I was lying.

"Very good, Jasper," He snarled. "I can't believe you would come back here. Why? Just to finish her off. Gain her trust and kill her. You're sick, Jasper." He looked lethal. It was certain he wanted me dead. I was still fighting Bella in my mind. Trying to put her away so I could do what I needed to do—to save us both. _Please_ I begged, to Bella, but would Edward understand. His face didn't change; I knew he was still waiting for my reaction.

_Jasper_, Bella cried—desperate. _I think I can do it._ What did she mean? And then I saw. Everything became clear. I reminded myself to not let her purposely hurt herself for my sake again, if I could.

I threw Edward off me in one fluid motion, crashing him against the garage door. It bent inward, but didn't stop him from rebounding. This time however, I was ready.

He was certainly faster, but I was a better fighting. Like humans, having reach on someone only gets you so far. The difference here: I was just trying to overpower him, not kill him.

He wasn't fighting rationally. His body moved like a newborn, bloodthirsty and rabid. I didn't know how to react, how to wind him down; I needed to make him see. He used his fists like a human. They crashed into my skin to the point of human fracture, but I barely felt it. It was even a minor sting. He never bit me.

If vampires could cry, I think he would be. I think he knew. Edward knew he was fighting a lost fight. He _knew_ she loved me.

"NO!" Edward screamed, picking up a small tree and sending it off in my direction. He picked up body by the throat once again, and pinned me to the ground. He stared at me for a second. I didn't know what to think. Could _sorry_ really work in this case?

His hands gripped tighter, and I partially expected it. "Sorry?" He said, repeated my words, "You dare apologize. What I don't understand is, how? You know her feelings, all them. You can talk to her! How did you do it?" He asked.

I tried not to think it. I tried to put away the memory of that moment in time, when we first discovered the connection. "I don't know," I said. "I know I love her."

That did it. He picked me up and projected my body into the forest. This time I was able to steady myself. I barely felt the resistance of the tree he attempted to crash me into. The tree fell beneath me, surrendering. It met with him an instant later.

I was really getting sick of letting him take pot shots. I straightened my shirt and lunged at his throat. I felt the branches around me give way. This time we were fighting. I almost wanted to use the saying, "for keeps." At this I could see Edward smirk. I knew what he meant. Whoever lived was synonymous with the keep. It was obvious.

My teeth clench on him arm, then throat. I knew how the venom stung. I knew very well. With my arms, I picked his body up and threw him with enough force to fracture a vampire arms,

It became a sickening enjoyment. I wanted him to suffer. I decided to play dirty. Every thought of pain she had. I had all those memories in my mine. I let Edward see for the first time what he did to her. All those months she lived like a shell of a human. I reveled in it. I didn't need to hit him, bite him or rip off a limb from his body. Truthfully, I knew he'd welcome it.

I let him watch, and allowed myself to look on his face. The horror cast a shadow on his face. The night she left him, how she almost died of hypothermia in the forest. How she lived, barely human. I used my own powers now. I illuminated every second of sadness, loss and torture she felt while she was with him, and before I came into her life.

Edward gasped, a mercy gasp: "Stop!" His voice was distraught and ragged. I let the memory linger. I used his only weakness in the world to get to him. I underestimated it.

"You left her," I screamed. "You let her wither until she was nothing. Because of you, a part of her soul—that part you tried to preserve—it died. She was vacant Edward. You have no claim to her. Tracking Victoria. Real heroic." I threw my clenched fists into his face.

"And you stole her, while I was trying to kill Victoria. What does that make you?" He said, spitting venom.

"I stole no one. You. Left. Her. Don't you get it? You walked away from Bella, creating a disaster and now you want to blame me. For whatever reason, I don't know." I knew my voice was growing jagged. I was becoming irritated. Earlier I felt guilt for Edward. It shriveled the more we remained in the forest. All I felt was complete and utter contempt for the weak vampire standing across from me.

"Is that it then? You think I'm weak?" Edward retorted. "Weak because Bella's pain affects me?"

I stepped back. "No," I stated. Again, obviously. "Because you blame our love all on me. You think she and I would be together if you never left her?"

We were back to fists and teeth. Our bodies collided with force. It was like an elastic band, how we moved seamlessly between calm and storm. I was on top, continually putting him into submission, just keeping the force of my blows from removing his arms.

And then got me. I was caught between him and the ground. My leg perched as about to snap. _Jasper_, Bella cried out to me. I had never realized she had woken up from her self-inflicted concussion. _Jasper—stop_. I was again drenched with the very human pain of feeling something that should be lethal. I was delirious with pain.

Edward continued to inflict any sort of wound on my body. I could barely focus on his body, the ground. It was so sharp, so vivid that I didn't want to focus on anything: fresh bite marks, gashes exposing the dead muscle inside my body, and the venom seeping out of it, before it closes back up. I was very certain Edward was going to kill me this time.

"Yes," he said. "After I destroy you."

I could hear voices. A voice. I felt close to death. I felt like I was under Jane's eyes. Continually dying but never dead. I wanted to die so very much. Bella was in too much agony to be able to throw herself down another flight of stairs. _I love you, Bella._ I thought. I knew this would kill her. Maybe Alice will protect her after me. Love her like a sister. Maybe Alice will hate her for taking me away. I didn't know.

"Edward!" she called. I knew the voice. There was an ancient charm to it. I couldn't concentrate on it. He has almost detached my leg when he stopped. Completely.

I felt the muscles slowly reattached. The pain decreased in body, but not in mind. I struggled to lift my head and saw what caused Edward to retreat.

Alice stood twenty feet away straight up with Bella in her arms. Bella's body was curled and almost lifeless. Edward began to slowly move toward the two, but Alice clutched Bella's body even tighter and jumped back. "Stay away," she warned—like a best friend, or a mother.

"Bella?" he called. I have never experience the human yearning to vomit, but I could not lie on the forest floor and listen to Edward's pitiful attempts to reach out to Bella. After everything he did, I could not.

I pulled my self up, still slightly unsteady on my feet.

He called to her again. I looked at her and give her what I could. Strength and well-being. It seemed to work, because she climbed out of Alice's grasp. "Edward," she stated. I saw a light in his eyes and he started to walk forward. It made me feel slightly defeated, until she yelled stop.

"You're killing me Edward," she stated.

"No," he pleaded. "I'm fighting for you."

Bella shook her head. "Stop. You knew. I know you did. You knew I felt what Jasper felt, because it's not just a feeling. I understand everything. So much more than you think, Edward. I know everything. I know you came to protect me from Jasper. Thinking he came to kill me. But when you found out he loved me, you wanted to destroy him."

Edward was speechless. Perhaps he was not aware of our connection, or as deep as it is.

"I think that may be true," Bella said aloud. "Edward. Alice. I see, feel and hear all of Jasper's thoughts. All of the time. Not his total thoughts, as if I was him—but rather an imprint, like we imprinted a piece of our souls on each other. It's the best idea I could come up with."

Alice nodded, putting her arm around Bella to support her. I could fury in Edward's eyes. "You accept this, Alice? Jasper is your mate, your lover—you're husband!"

"I have to. I saw it. I love them both. You didn't just destroy Bella when you left, but now you've disheveled my life too, Edward. I know my path. I've seen it."

Edward's fury increased, and he began to take a stride towards me. "You come back here, bring Bella back into the realm of vampires. Take her love from me, and still keep the loyalty of Alice. I try to save her, and I get nothing."

"Edwar—" I started to say, but a clenched first intercepted my jaw. Immediately, Bella howled. I raced towards her and took her small, frail body into my arms.

Bella choked, "you have to leave now, Edward." Tears were rolling down her face. I knew she still loved him very much. Edward was her first love, and possibly her true love. _Not true_. She told her, slightly amused through the hurt, of her own pun. "The longer you stay in my life, the more you hurt me. _You're not good for me_, Edward." She used the same words he did. Except, she meant them and I felt that.

He stepped back, turned around and began to run, after a couple second I could smell him anymore. He was gone.

**Bella POV**

"Alice," I called, as she started to leave the house. Alice turned around. We spent the weekend talking, but the guilt still lingered. Lingered was an understatement. Guilt set up an apartment in the walls of my heart. I wanted Alice to stay. I wanted to throw myself off a cliff. I just felt like I hurt her beyond belief.

She shook her head once and laughed. "I'll be okay, and knowing that, well—I already feel okay. I'm just going to look for someone. I don't know who he is yet. But it'll be okay. I'll be back soon."

"But," I started to qualify, but Alice gave me a look.

"I'm sure Edward is okay. It's not like he's headed to Italy or anything. I would know, right?" she laughed a little, tapping her head. And then she was gone.

* * *

We were alone, for one more day. Esme and Carlisle were returning tomorrow. They weren't disappointed. Oddly, they rarely were. They were also just happy to know I was alive, happy and healthy. In almost all respects I was. I just had one worry, and I didn't mean to think it.

"You're not even 18 yet!" I heard Jasper yell. "I don't bite minors."

I stifled a giggle. _Just seduce them_.


End file.
